


The Fellowship of the Idiots

by MelhekhelMurkun



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, F/M, Group chat, M/M, Self-Indulgent, Trans Character, Very OOC, and theres a reason for it, basically just chaos, have I projected my own issues onto these characters?, not my first lotr fic but definitely the first posted here, other children will be coming soon dw, probably also the last posted here, probably because theyre modern teenagers and not thousand year old soldiers, tags will be updated as this continues, the answer is yes, theyre all juniors rn, you might be able to tell who my favorites are
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:07:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 24,224
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27233971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MelhekhelMurkun/pseuds/MelhekhelMurkun
Summary: The Fellowship, juniors in high school, have been put together for a group project in Professor Elrond's history class. Logically, they create a group chat. Chaos ensues, multiple people are gay, even more people are oblivious, and who knows what will happen?One thing is for sure. They don't get a good grade on that project.
Relationships: Aragorn | Estel/Boromir (Son of Denethor II), Gimli (Son of Glóin)/Legolas Greenleaf, Éomer Éadig/Faramir (Son of Denethor II)
Comments: 69
Kudos: 90





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Yeehaw. Y'all might know me from my other fics (if not, please don't go read them, they're literal shit). I've been working on this specific one for almost three months now, so most of it is already written. That being said, there's absolutely no end goal to this, it'll just continue until my brain allows me to finish it and declare the fic complete.
> 
> The names of each person is changed in the work, so you'll see when it changes and what it changes to. Either way, I'll put the names in the notes to eliminate some confusion. Each name is also a play off who they are/a pun of their name/how they... uh... well, you'll see, later on.
> 
> Gandalf: GandalfStormcrow  
> Aragorn: KingOfNewYork  
> Boromir: WhiteAsIvory  
> Frodo: MaryPoppins (I honestly can't remember why I named him this)  
> Gimli: Mufasa  
> Legolas: MarijuanaBoy  
> Merry: MerryChrysler  
> Pippin: TookYaLongEnough  
> Sam: Potatoes

**_Gandalf created a group chat_ **

**_Gandalf added Merry Brandybuck, Pippin Took, Frodo Baggins, Sam Gamgee, Aragorn Elessar, Boromir Tirith, Legolas Thranduilion, and Gimli Cavin to the chat_ **

**Gandalf:** You have all been brought together in this group chat for one purpose and one purpose only.

**Merry Brandybuck:** to protect the world from devastation

**Gandalf:** No.

**Pippin Took:** to unite all peoples within our nation

**Gandalf:** No.

**Merry Brandybuck:** to denounce the evils of truth and love

**Gandalf:** Absolutely not.

**Pippin Took:** to extend our reach to the stars above

**Boromir Tirith:** are you actually doing the team rocket motto

**Merry Brandybuck:** MERRY

**Pippin Took:** PIPPIN

**Merry Brandybuck:** team rocket blasts off at the speed of light

**Pippin Took:** SURRENDER NOW OR PREPARE TO FIGHT

**Gandalf:** I am prepared to mute both of you. Clearly I am the only one here with any sense.

**Aragorn Elessar:** ...Meowth

**Pippin Took:** YES

**Merry Brandybuck:** THATS RIGHT

**Boromir Tirith:** why are we here

**Gandalf:** We have been assigned a group project by Professor Elrond.

**Boromir Tirith:** fuck

**Sam Gamgee:** Language.

**Boromir Tirith:** my bad

**Boromir Tirith:** cazzo

**Gimli Cavin:** isn’t that italian for fuck

**Boromir Tirith:** no comment

**Merry Brandybuck:** we need new names

**Pippin Took:** therefore we’re changing all y’all’s for you

**_Pippin Took changed their name to TookYaLongEnough_ **

**_Merry Brandybuck changed their name to MerryChrysler_ **

**_MerryChrysler changed Gandalf’s name to Glinda_ **

**_TookYaLongEnough changed Frodo Baggins’s name to MaryPoppins_ **

**_MerryChrysler changed Sam Gamgee’s name to PlantWeedsEveryday_ **

**_TookYaLongEnough changed Boromir Tirith’s name to WhiteAsIvory_ **

**_MerryChrysler changed Aragorn Elessar’s name to KingOfNewYork_ **

**_TookYaLongEnough changed Legolas Thranduilion’s name to MarijuanaBoy_ **

**_MerryChrysler changed Gimli Cavin’s name to Pancakes_ **

**Pancakes:** why

**MerryChrysler:** bc shortstack

**Pancakes:** where tf are you im bout to kick your ass

**MerryChrysler:** nuuuu

**_Pancakes changed their name to Mufasa_ **

**MarijuanaBoy:** Fair enough

**PlantWeedsEveryday:** This is inaccurate. No gardener would plant weeds.

**_PlantWeedsEveryday changed their name to Potatoes_ **

**MaryPoppins:** oh, Sam

**WhiteAsIvory:** i dislike this name but i cant deny the truth of it

**KingOfNewYork:** Newsies is great

**_Glinda changed their name to GandalfStormcrow_ **

**GandalfStormcrow:** Now that you’ve completed this ridiculous and childish naming ceremony, might we move on to the matter at hand? Professor Elrond is not a patient man.

**KingOfNewYork:** he’s not really that bad actually

**Mufasa:** that’s because he’s your dad stfu

**Mufasa:** he hates me for some reason

**KingOfNewYork:** he isn’t my dad we’ve talked about this

**KingOfNewYork:** just my foster ty

**WhiteAsIvory:** daddy issues

**KingOfNewYork:** you’re one to talk tirith

**WhiteAsIvory:** what the fuck is that supposed to mean

**MerryChrysler:** gay drama

**TookYaLongEnough:** *munches popcorn*

**WhiteAsIvory:** is that a fucking dig at my father elessar or are you joking

**KingOfNewYork:** boromir if I were insulting you you’d know it

**WhiteAsIvory:** that doesn’t answer my question rich boy

**GandalfStormcrow:** Stop your bickering, it will lead us no where useful.

**MerryChrysler:** Boromir isn’t your dad wealth as hell tho

**WhiteAsIvory:** yeah ig

**WhiteAsIvory:** he’s a lawyer and they make bank so whatever

**MerryChrysler:** so you’re rich too

**WhiteAsIvory:** no my dad is rich

**WhiteAsIvory:** my brother and I are not

**WhiteAsIvory:** which is good bc I never want to touch a single bill that bastard had his hands on

**TookYaLongEnough:** i did not know you had a brother that’s weird

**WhiteAsIvory:** he’s a freshman rn you might see him in the hallways

**WhiteAsIvory:** anyways Gandalf why are we here again

**GandalfStormcrow:** Since no one has been listening so far, I will say it once more. We have been brought together into a group for the final project for Professor Elrond’s class. This chat is for planning and work only, not for memes or idiotic things that you - specifically Peregrin Took - come up with.

**TookYaLongEnough:** ow why are you throwing shade at me Gandalf what have I ever done to you

**GandalfStormcrow:** Pumpkin.

**TookYaLongEnough:** OH YEAH

**TookYaLongEnough:** lol okay fair

**TookYaLongEnough:** but also rude that was forever ago

**GandalfStormcrow:** You ruined pumpkins for me, Peregrin Took. I cannot look at nor smell nor taste pumpkins without remembering what happened and struggling not to vomit.

**TookYaLongEnough:** dramatic

**MerryChrysler:** I mean

**MerryChrysler:** everything he’s saying is valid, even I regret The Great Pumpkin Incident

**KingOfNewYork:** what was the project on again

**WhiteAsIvory:** why don’t you just ask your dad

**KingOfNewYork:** he’s not

**KingOfNewYork:** whatever fuck off

**KingOfNewYork:** why are you so hung up about Elrond anyways what is your problem

**WhiteAsIvory:** the world is my problem

**WhiteAsIvory:** you just happen to be a specific annoyance I’d rather not deal with rn

**WhiteAsIvory:** fuck

**WhiteAsIvory:** goddamn it I gotta go offline probably won’t be back for a while don’t expect to see me at school tomorrow

**_WhiteAsIvory has left the chat_ **

**KingOfNewYork:** did he do that to avoid answering me or like

**KingOfNewYork:** is that smth he does regularly???

**MerryChrysler:** it’s a regular thing

**MerryChrysler:** shit at home ya know

**TookYaLongEnough:** his dad’s a dick but that ain’t our business to get into

**TookYaLongEnough:** not our story to share

**MerryChrysler:** *john mulaney voice* now we don’t have enough time to unpack all that

**Potatoes:** I thought Mister Gandalf said not to put memes in the chat?

**MerryChrysler:** John Mulaney isn’t a meme he’s a god Sam

**MaryPoppins:** debatable

**TookYaLongEnough:** DID YOU JUST DISRESPECT OUR LORD AND SAVIOUR JOHN MULANEY

  
**MaryPoppins:** no comment


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of a boring one. Some good references in here, though, let's see if y'all can find them.
> 
> Gandalf: GandalfStormcrow  
> Aragorn: KingOfNewYork  
> Boromir: ShotThroughTheHeart  
> Frodo: MaryPoppins  
> Gimli: Mufasa  
> Legolas: MarijuanaBoy  
> Merry: MerryChrysler  
> Pippin: TookYaLongEnough  
> Sam: Potatoes

**GandalfStormcrow:** It is now the third day of this group chat, and no one has contributed a single thing to the project. I am convinced that none of you even know what it is we’re doing.

**MerryChrysler:** I didn’t want to ask Elrond

**MerryChrysler:** he scares me

**TookYaLongEnough:** spooky learner man

**KingOfNewYork:** I asked him yesterday, we basically have to make a 3D landscape model of the old kingdoms we’ve been learning about all year

**KingOfNewYork:** like the entire landscape, from the Ered Luin to Mordor, with every settlement, river, and forest depicted as accurately as possible

**KingOfNewYork:** we should split up the model into sections, with each person working on one area

**MarijuanaBoy:** figures

**MarijuanaBoy:** I know a lot about the Greenwood so I guess I can take that part

**Mufasa:** I’ll take Erebor

**MaryPoppins:** I can do the Ered Luin, my uncle is a historian and archaeologist working in that area

**MaryPoppins:** Sam can probably do the Misty Mountains

**Potatoes:** Yeah, I can do that.

**MerryChrysler:** pip and I will take the Shire and Bree then

**KingOfNewYork:** I can do Rivendell if that’s alright

**TookYaLongEnough:** but aren’t you literally descended from a king of Gondor

**TookYaLongEnough:** that’s why your user is @KingOfNewYork

**KingOfNewYork:** yeah from Isildur ig but I thought Boromir would like to take Gondor and Ithilien, he’s descended from the line of stewards, which ruled for a way longer time than the kings

**KingOfNewYork:** is he back yet

**KingOfNewYork:** I didn’t see him at school earlier today but we don’t really have crossing paths aside from Elrond’s class

**MerryChrysler:** he’s back yeah

**MerryChrysler:** I’ll add him rq

**_MerryChrysler added WhiteAsIvory to the chat_ **

**WhiteAsIvory:** what’s up fuckers

**TookYaLongEnough:** why are you on my phone

**WhiteAsIvory:** fuck you thats why

**_WhiteAsIvory changed their name to ShotThroughTheHeart_ **

**MerryChrysler:** weird flex but okay bro

**TookYaLongEnough:** an unorthodox display of hubris but very well

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I back read, yeah I’m descended from the steward line, yeah they ruled longer than the kings suck it Elessar we’re better

**KingOfNewYork:** okay??? Cool idc

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** mhm sure kingy

**MarijuanaBoy:** that looks and sounds like kinky

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** stfu bottle blonde

**MarijuanaBoy:** THIS IS NATURAL EXFUCKINGCUSE YOU

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** maybe he’s born with it maybe it’s maybelline

**MarijuanaBoy:** MAYBELLINE DOESNT EVEN DO GOOD HAIR DYE BASIC ASS BITCH

**MarijuanaBoy:** any person who takes care of their hair and skin knows that

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** unless we have naturally good looks like me

**Mufasa:** ehhhhh

**MerryChrysler:** suuuuurrreee

**TookYaLongEnough:** sure we’ll go with that yeah

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** fuck you guys I’m handsome as hell

**MerryChrysler:** Boromir you have bags the size of France under your eyes and a hella big bruise on your arm rn you look like garbage

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** hot garbage tho

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** and it was totally worth it

**MerryChrysler:** someone get this man a dumpster he’s looking like oscar the grouch from sesame street

**TookYaLongEnough:** ANSHDHSHSJDJBD OSCAR THE GROUCH

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I don’t like any of you

**MarijuanaBoy:** fine with me flamehead

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I like you the least bottle blonde

**MarijuanaBoy:** again fine with me carrottop

**KingOfNewYork:** can we get back to politics

**Mufasa:** please

**KingOfNewYork:** okay but seriously before y’all start a Hamilton reenactment we need to plan out this project

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** yes I would like to do Gondor and Ithilien

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** surprised you know me well enough to make that connection kingy

**KingOfNewYork:** it’s not exactly like you hide your heritage Boromir

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** bc I think it’s something to be proud of

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** my ancestors ruled a kingdom how fucking cool is that

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** and then there you are, blood of a literal king, and you don’t even mention it to anyone until three or four years after they’ve been friends with you

**MerryChrysler:** then how’d you hear it y’all aren’t friends at all

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** **_@MarijuanaBoy_** told me when he got Angry™

**MarijuanaBoy:** it was a warranted reaction you were being a dick

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** when am I not tho

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** maybe it’s my entire personality, maybe it’s maybelline

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** maybe it’s delivery maybe it’s digiorno

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** maybe it’s a scene maybe it’s a goddamn arms race

**MarijuanaBoy:** I’m 2 seconds from finding where you live and throwing a rock through your bedroom window

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** fbi please arrest this person immediately ty

**KingOfNewYork:** Legolas don’t throw any more rocks through people’s windows, I’m not bailing you out of jail again

**Mufasa:** AGAIN?? YOUVE DONE IT BEFORE?

**MarijuanaBoy:** okay listen they pissed me off

**MarijuanaBoy:** I ain’t letting anyone call my best friend a slut except me and I do it affectionately

**MarijuanaBoy:** her boyfriend agreed with me on this and it’s the only thing we have EVER agreed on so really I had to

**MarijuanaBoy:** if Kili Durin and I agree on something it generally means we’re right

**MarijuanaBoy:** idk what Tauriel sees in that guy

**Mufasa:** oi thats my cousin you’re talking about Greenleaf, lay off it

**MarijuanaBoy:** he’s too childish for her

**MarijuanaBoy:** and also too short like goddamn she’s at least a foot taller than him and that’s not even in heels

**MarijuanaBoy:** I should throw a rock through his window next

**Mufasa:** Legolas we have the same height difference tf

**KingOfNewYork:** Legolas no

**KingOfNewYork:** he’s done it 5 times now it’s annoying

**KingOfNewYork:** and he never calls his dad only me

**MarijuanaBoy:** because dad would just make me spend the night in the cell then pick me up in the morning with his disappointed eyebrows and shit

**MarijuanaBoy:** if you pick me up I can sneak home and only get the Eyebrows of Supreme Disappointment™ in the morning

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** eyebrows of disappointment don’t sound too bad tbh

**KingOfNewYork:** no they’re actually really scary

**KingOfNewYork:** Mister Thranduil is terrifying and the Eyebrows™ make you regret every single bad decision you’ve ever made, even if they have nothing to do with the actual reason for the Eyebrows™

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** and you know this how

**KingOfNewYork:** Mister Thranduil sees all and I might’ve accidentally broken a vase in his house once

**KingOfNewYork:** he wasn’t even home at the time and Legolas told me the vase wouldn’t be missed so we just cleaned it up and hoped he wouldn’t notice but the next time I went over to their house he cornered me in the hallway and gave me the Eyebrows™ and a lecture

**KingOfNewYork:** it was genuinely the most scared I’ve ever been of a guy, and I live with Elrond

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** so you do actually have emotions that’s crazy

**KingOfNewYork:** yeah I have emotions, last I checked I’m human

**KingOfNewYork:** right now I’m pretty pissed off Tirith you wanna know why?

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I don’t really care no

**KingOfNewYork:** too fucking bad

**KingOfNewYork:** we’re taking this to a private chat

**MerryChrysler:** no wait the drama don’t leave

**MerryChrysler:** it was just getting good

**TookYaLongEnough:** it’s like a soap opera

—————————————————————

**_Aragorn Elessar made a chat_ **

**_Aragorn Elessar added Boromir Tirith to the chat_ **

**_Aragorn Elessar changed their name to Aragorn_ **

**_Aragorn changed Boromir Tirith’s name to Boromir_ **

**Aragorn:** what the fuck is your problem with me

**Aragorn:** seriously I’ve been nothing but nice to you for the past two years

**Aragorn:** I even completely left you alone during sophomore year and you’re still being a dick

**Boromir:** maybe I just don’t like you does it really have to be that complicated

**Aragorn:** dude

**Aragorn:** you were pretty friendly during the first half of freshman year why’d that change

**Boromir:** I dont think it’s really any of your business Elessar

**Aragorn:** it kind of is tho?? Like you’re the one who hates me for no reason and since it’s me you hate I think I kind of deserve a reason why

**Boromir:** idc

**Aragorn:** fine whatever

**_Aragorn has disbanded the chat_ **

—————————————————————

**KingOfNewYork:** Gandalf do you want to take Mordor then? I think it’s the last part of the model

**GandalfStormcrow:** I will bear this burden, yes.

**KingOfNewYork:** ...great okay

**KingOfNewYork:** we should get together during class or after school to plan this further, so we’re all on the same page

**MarijuanaBoy:** I’m free to meet up whenever and wherever

**Mufasa:** same

**KingOfNewYork:** I’m sure Elrond wouldn’t mind if we did it at my house then?

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I would really rather not.

**KingOfNewYork:** okay listen, don’t mess up this project just because you hate me

**KingOfNewYork:** that wouldn’t be fair to everyone else

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** You jump to conclusions, Elessar. I can’t leave my brother at home, not even for an hour or two. Not everything is about you.

**KingOfNewYork:** Fine. Let’s do it at your house, then.

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** As long as you don’t mind my brother being in the room while we work.

**KingOfNewYork:** That’s fine. It’s your house, after all.

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** Good. Is everyone alright for tomorrow?

**MarijuanaBoy:** yeppppp

**Mufasa:** yeah sure

**MerryChrysler:** ye I can do that

**TookYaLongEnough:** same

**TookYaLongEnough:** Frodo and Sam say they can too

  
**KingOfNewYork:** It works for me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment, constructive criticism is always welcome.
> 
> Most of this material is from a mix of my own group chat (chaos), Tumblr shitposts, and funny Pinterest stuff. If y'all have a silly quote or something you want one of the characters to say, I'm sure I can work it in somewhere.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is like, the last of the serious and boring chapters. We get into the fun stuff next chapter. 
> 
> No username recaps are needed.

**_Boromir Tirith created a chat_ **

**_Boromir Tirith added Aragorn Elessar to the chat_ **

**_Boromir Tirith changed Aragorn Elessar’s name to Aragorn_ **

**_Boromir Tirith changed their name to Boromir_ **

**Boromir:** It’s because I’m jealous, okay?

**Boromir:** you’re fucking perfect in literally every why and I’m jealous

**Boromir:** everyone likes you without you even having to try

**Boromir:** you’re smart

**Boromir:** smart enough to never get more than two questions wrong on a test, and you could have a 4.0gpa but I know you don’t want to stand out like that so you purposely score average on everything

**Boromir:** I also know Elrond knows you do that so he gives you a higher grade than you actually got

**Boromir:** I know half the girls have a crush on you and half the guys want to be you and everyone in general worships the very ground you walk on

**Boromir:** it’s annoying to watch and annoying to hear but I can’t fucking escape it all because everyone knows you and everyone talks about you and you never do anything about it, you don’t tell them to stop but you also don’t endorse them or whatever

**Boromir:** you’ve got Elrond as a fucking dad, foster or not, and I’m jealous of that too

**Boromir:** Arwen Undomiel is your sister and you have older twin brothers for christ’s sake

**Boromir:** here I am with my shitty dad and my little brother who I love more than anything but I can’t fucking protect him like I need to

**Boromir:** here I am with my steward heritage while you’re a goddamn king’s descendant and my dad will never let that fact go because he’s so fucking weird

**Boromir:** here I am with my 3.8gpa that I can’t push to a 4.0 even though I need to

**Boromir:** here I am with all my issues that I cover up with eye rolls and an attitude and why the fuck am I sharing all of this with you of all people

**Boromir:** I did want to be your friend in freshman year

**Aragorn:** wow

**Aragorn:** holy shit okay

**Aragorn:** dude you don’t need to be jealous

**Aragorn:** I’m not perfect at all in like ANY way, Boromir please don’t try and like, push yourself past your limits trying to be perfect I guess??

**Aragorn:** I could help you get that 4.0 if you want

**Aragorn:** idrk what to say to this I’m sorry

**Aragorn:** wanna like

**Aragorn:** start again or smth?

**Aragorn:** I’ve been kind of a dick too

**Boromir:** ...yeah actually

**Aragorn:** cool

**Aragorn:** hi I’m Aragorn, I am essentially just the physical embodiment of ‘tired’

**Aragorn:** I enjoy sleeping, watching Legolas fall out of trees, and reading weird and random Wikipedia articles at 3am

**Boromir:** pfft

**Boromir:** I’m Boromir ig

**Boromir:** this is awkward as fuck lol

**Boromir:** I’ve got a little brother who likes school and learning a lot more than I do, I too like watching Legolas fall out of trees, and I will listen to pretty much any genre of music except country and some weird shit my cousin showed me once

**Boromir:** it was like, Jamaican music mixed with rap mixed with screamo mixed with bongos I guess? And I’m pretty sure it was about a bike with no handle bars

**Aragorn:** what the fuck

**Boromir:** ikr

**Boromir:** gotta wonder what was going through that band’s heads when they made it

**Aragorn:** sounds like they need help lol

**Aragorn:** I know more about you from this text convo than I have from knowing you for 3 years

**Boromir:** same actually

**Aragorn:** we good now tho?

**Aragorn:** I don’t want to fight with you anymore dude

  
**Boromir:** yeah we’re good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The bit Boromir says about music is actually taken from me. I will listen to ANY music (except country and modern rap) but my cousin did show me that weird song and it lives in my brain rent free. I hate it.
> 
> Trying to fix some spacing issues, sorry if everything seems super spaced out between texts.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm bout to do smth in the next two chapters that was purely self-indulgent at the time. Y'all gotta deal with it.
> 
> Gandalf: GandalfStormcrow  
> Aragorn: KingOfNewYork  
> Boromir: ShotThroughTheHeart  
> Frodo: MaryPoppins  
> Gimli: Mufasa  
> Legolas: MarijuanaBoy  
> Merry: MerryChrysler  
> Pippin: TookYaLongEnough  
> Sam: Potatoes

**MerryChrysler:** quick question how long does a body have to be buried for digging it up to be considered archaeology rather than grave robbing

**MarijuanaBoy:** why do you want to know

**MerryChrysler:** no reason

**MarijuanaBoy:** istg you killed someone

**GandalfStormcrow:** Meriadoc Brandybuck, have you committed murder?!

**MerryChrysler:** first of all how do you know my first name

**MerryChrysler:** second of all how dare you use my first name

**MerryChrysler:** third of all no I haven’t committed murder but I do have a supposed grave site in my backyard and I’m bored rn so why not dig it up ya know

**TookYaLongEnough:** can I help

**MerryChrysler:** sure why not

**MaryPoppins:** your parents are gonna be pissed

**Potatoes:** Don’t tear up your backyard! You guys have the best grass I’ve ever seen. Also, Frodo is right, Mr. and Mrs. Brandybuck are going to be very upset if you do it.

**MerryChrysler:** ma and da would understand that it’s all in the name of science

**KingOfNewYork:** I think archaeology counts more as history than science

**MerryChrysler:** in the name of history doesn’t sound as cool as in the name of science

**KingOfNewYork:** fair point

**TookYaLongEnough:** are we doing this or not I have shovels

**MaryPoppins:** holy shit he actually has shovels

**MaryPoppins:** _pipwithashovel.jpeg_

**MaryPoppins:** literally where did you get those we’re in the metro rn

**MaryPoppins:** you don’t even have pockets

**TookYaLongEnough:** you can do anything you set your mind to

**TookYaLongEnough:** also I can’t legally answer that question because if I do I’ll likely get arrested so

**TookYaLongEnough:** anyways

**MerryChrysler:** ma and da say I can dig, they don’t mind

**MerryChrysler:** as long as we fill the holes back in if we don’t find anything

**TookYaLongEnough:** aight cool omw

**MaryPoppins:** HES FUCKIN GONE

**MaryPoppins:** I LOOK AWAY FOR ONE SECOND AND HES GONE

**TookYaLongEnough:** nyooom

**MaryPoppins:** HOW

**MaryPoppins:** WE ARE LITERALLY ON A TRAIN RIGHT NOW WHAT THE HELL

**TookYaLongEnough:** magic

**GandalfStormcrow:** I genuinely don’t even know what to say to this

**GandalfStormcrow:** I am going to go seek the company of the only person around here who has any sense.

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** who would that be my guy

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** we’re all mad here mr hatter

**GandalfStormcrow:** Myself, Boromir.

**_GandalfStormcrow has left the chat_ **

**Mufasa:** wow he really said ️ **[peace sign emoji]**

**Mufasa:** gotta go fast  **[running person emoji]**

**MarijuanaBoy:** your emojis are lagging my phone stop that

**Mufasa:** oh I’m sorry are my lil emojis causing your $2,000 smartphone to lag a bit

**Mufasa:** how unfortunate **[sad faces]**

**Mufasa:** who **[thinking face]** would’ve thought  **[thought bubble]** your  **[pointing finger]** smart  **[glasses emoji]** phone  **[phone emoji]** couldn’t  **[x mark emoji]** handle  **[wrench]** emojis  **[laughing face]**

**MarijuanaBoy:** I will literally stomp your kneecaps backwards gimli don’t think I won’t

**Mufasa:** try it pretty boy and I’ll punch you so hard an electrician wouldn’t be able to turn ya lights back on

**MarijuanaBoy:** you couldn’t reach high enough to do that shorty

**Mufasa:** you’ve sunk low enough that I can

**MerryChrysler:** this chat has so much sexual tension

**MerryChrysler:** first it was Boromir and Aragorn and now it’s Gimli and legolas

**TookYaLongEnough:** very entertaining

**TookYaLongEnough:** ima give this show a 9/10 rating

**KingOfNewYork:** only 9/10?

**TookYaLongEnough:** bad graphics ya know? Screen is blurry

**MerryChrysler:** pip that’s because your phone screen is greasy as hell

**TookYaLongEnough:** oh

**TookYaLongEnough:** my point still stands

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** does anyone know when the next pep rally is

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** mrs Galadriel asked me to assist with setting up the gym but didn’t give me the date for it so idk when I’m supposed to go

**KingOfNewYork:** I think the rally is on Friday, so setup should be the same day? You might wanna ask her tho

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** coolio

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** on another note anyone else take that giant math test for mrs elerrian

**MarijuanaBoy:** I did not but I did essentially pick where the answers were gonna go

**MarijuanaBoy:** mom kinda just handed me the scantron sheet and told me to fill out random bubbles

**MarijuanaBoy:** it must’ve been really funny to watch y’all do it

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** YOU BASTARD

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I NEARLY HAD A HEART ATTACK WHILE TAKING IT

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** THE ENTIRE TIME I WAS LIKE THIS COULDNT POSSIBLY BE THE SAME ANSWER AS LAST T- GODDAMN IT

**MerryChrysler:** wait were they all supposed to be the same answer

**MarijuanaBoy:** yeah man all but the last question

**MerryChrysler:** oh fuck

**TookYaLongEnough:** pfft merry

**MerryChrysler:** shut up pip you asked me for half of those answers

**TookYaLongEnough:** oop oh no

**KingOfNewYork:** disasters

**Mufasa:** I am suddenly very glad I don’t have her as my teacher

**KingOfNewYork:** this is the very reason I’m in AP math

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** to not have to deal with Legolas messing with us?

**KingOfNewYork:** no mrs elerrian is just as scary as mr Thranduil even though she’s considerably nicer about it

**KingOfNewYork:** they’re scary apart imagine what it’s like together

**KingOfNewYork:** Legolas no offense but I hate going over to your house

**MarijuanaBoy:** dad won’t let me smoke in the house anymore anyways so I would very much rather go to yours

**MerryChrysler:** wait Professor Elrond lets you smoke?

**KingOfNewYork:** he’s really laid back on it actually

**KingOfNewYork:** Elladan and Elrohir do it all the time and he’s given up trying to get them to stop

**MarijuanaBoy:** yeah it’s fine as long as we keep it in the backyard

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** but illegal?????

**KingOfNewYork:** yeah ig it is

**KingOfNewYork:** huh crazy

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** what the fuck

**MarijuanaBoy:** you never been high before firework?

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** no why would I want to

**MarijuanaBoy:** oh honey you are missing out

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** not really no

**KingOfNewYork:** I mean it’s kinda fun

**KingOfNewYork:** conversations get really w e i r d

**Mufasa:** it changes a bit depending on the pot but it’s generally a good time

**MerryChrysler:** we need to get you stoned Boromir

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** no thanks

**TookYaLongEnough:** if we just hogtie him and then hotbox a closet that should do the trick

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** why am I friends with you guys again

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I think this is of ill intentions fbi please save me

**KingOfNewYork:** we cant drug him that’s illegal

**KingOfNewYork:** consent is important kids

**KingOfNewYork:** if he doesn’t want to get high then he doesn’t want to get high got it?

**MarijuanaBoy:** whatever more weed for us lol

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** y’all are a bunch of stoners how did I end up here

**MerryChrysler:** welcome to hell

**MerryChrysler:** dont let this change your opinion of us we’re still cool

**TookYaLongEnough:** Merry you were never cool

**MerryChrysler:** no u

**TookYaLongEnough:** *uno reverse card*

**Potatoes:** Oh, are we talking about marijuana?

**Potatoes:** It’s legal here, now. That’s pretty cool.

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** only legal if you’re an adult wtf

**Potatoes:** I suppose that’s true. Also legal to grow it, which my dad does.

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** is that how y’all are getting it

**MaryPoppins:** hell yeah Sam’s weed is the best

**MerryChrysler:** eh not better than longbottom leaf

**TookYaLongEnough:** longbottom leaf is the best yeah

**TookYaLongEnough:** Sam’s is a close second though

**KingOfNewYork:** idk about that, old toby is really good too

**Mufasa:** I didn’t even know old toby still existed

**MerryChrysler:** Aragorn smokes old pot pass it on

**KingOfNewYork:** it’s not that old tho

**KingOfNewYork:** Gandalf does too

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** that should be your first clue that it’s old as fuck

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** Gandalf doesn’t do new stuff Aragorn you know this

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** the guy doesn’t even have a smartphone, he carries a fucking Nokia

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** A NOKIA

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** it’s like he’s an 80 year old in a 17 year old’s body

**TookYaLongEnough:** I broke a ceramic sink with one of those once

**TookYaLongEnough:** all I did was drop it in the sink on accident and the whole fucking corner of the thing shattered

**TookYaLongEnough:** the Nokia was fit as a young rain tho

**MarijuanaBoy:** did you just say fit as a young rain

**MerryChrysler:** just go with it he’s weird

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** okay then

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** In the span of ten minutes I’ve learned that every single one of you is a stoner and also technically a criminal that’s cool

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** if my dad finds out about this we’re all dead probably

**KingOfNewYork:** so don’t tell him ig

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** no you don’t understand he has eyes everywhere

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I’m 95% sure he’s hired a private investigator just to follow me and make sure I’m not doing anything he’d disapprove of

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** same goes for Faramir even though he’s literally 14

**KingOfNewYork:** okay dude I didn’t want to say anything but your dad is weird

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** no shit

**KingOfNewYork:** not even like, cool weird or good weird

**KingOfNewYork:** he freaks me out and I’ve only “met” him once

**KingOfNewYork:** he glared at me when we left your house last week, like actually glared and I thought I was about to turn to ice

**KingOfNewYork:** he’s officially added to the list of people I’m scared of, bringing the total to 3

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** he probably knows about your family’s bloodline you know

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** plus elrond is your foster dad, and my dad has never ever gotten along with Elrond

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** idk why

**MarijuanaBoy:** Elrond is also some type of royalty or nobility so maybe that’s it

**MarijuanaBoy:** like not even descended from the old nobles, he’s legit a lord

**MarijuanaBoy:** pretty sure he owns a fancy ass estate somewhere in the mountains

**KingOfNewYork:** he does yeah

**KingOfNewYork:** it’s got a huge library

**MarijuanaBoy:** my dad was talking to him about it once and I overheard them

**MarijuanaBoy:** I don’t remember the specifics but it was basically like “Elrond Denethor hates you a ton so like careful” and Elrond was like “Thranduil it’s fine he can’t do shit to me I’m royalty” and dad was like “yeah so am I my guy I’ll back you up if he tries anything but he’s got the law on his side because he’s a lawyer and knows loopholes so be careful anyways”

**MerryChrysler:** wait you’re royalty wtf

**MarijuanaBoy:** I’m a prince merry

**MarijuanaBoy:** literal prince here why do you think I’ve gotten away with all sorts of shit

**MarijuanaBoy:** dad is the king of this place but he’s nice enough not to be a dick about it ya know?

**MarijuanaBoy:** he and the mayor share the responsibility of keeping everyone happy, but dad gladly lets the mayor do most of it because Mayor Bard is genuinely good at this even though he didn’t want to be mayor in the first place

**MerryChrysler:** huh

**MerryChrysler:** makes sense

**Mufasa:** pretty sure everyone here is either royalty or descended from royalty

**Mufasa:** I myself am cousins to two princes and nephew of a king

**Mufasa:** y’all remember Erebor? Yeah, that’s still around

**Mufasa:** my uncle was able to regain the rights to the land from this guy Smaug who was stripping it of oil and ore

**MaryPoppins:** OH YEAH

**MaryPoppins:** uncle Bilbo had something to do with that too right

**MaryPoppins:** I can’t remember why he was a part of that group but he was and long story short we’re technically cousins Gimli

**Mufasa:** huh ig youre right

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** this town is complicated

**KingOfNewYork:** this country is complicated

**MarijuanaBoy:** this continent is complicated

**MerryChrysler:** BONES

**MerryChrysler:** BOOOOOOOOONNNNEEEEEE

**TookYaLongEnough:** meep morp zarp robot

**KingOfNewYork:** you’re not Cheddar you’re just some common bitch

**MarijuanaBoy:** cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** one two three *shrieks while strumming guitar*

**Mufasa:** cool motive still murder

**MaryPoppins:** indeed indeed indeed indeed indeed

**Potatoes:** Why are you quoting Brooklyn 99?

**Potatoes:** Merry, you found bones?

**MerryChrysler:** yes we found bones

**MerryChrysler:** a full fuckin skeleton boys let’s go

**MerryChrysler:** can I legally sell this to a museum

**KingOfNewYork:** no that’s not how that works

**TookYaLongEnough:** says you

**KingOfNewYork:** says the law???

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** you can’t reason with them it goes right over their heads

**TookYaLongEnough:** nothing goes over my head my reflexes are too fast I would catch it

**MerryChrysler:** pip you couldn’t catch the pillow I threw at you earlier and I gave you three different warnings about it

**TookYaLongEnough:** shut thine mouth petty thief, before I hast thine tongue removed for trickery

**KingOfNewYork:** and with that note I’m blocking all of you and going to bed

  
**ShotThroughTheHeart:** same

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: what Pippin says ("fit as a young rain") is a malaphor! That's the mixing of idioms, creating a somewhat confusing sentence. "Fit as a young rain" is a malaphor of "fit as a young buck" and "right as rain".


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the beginning of something that was purely self-indulgent when I wrote it. I do this a lot. 95% of this work is self-indulgent, actually. If ya don't like it, I'm sorry. This was going to be a short chapter, until I combined two of them. The next one will be up in a few minutes.
> 
> Gandalf: GandalfStormcrow  
> Aragorn: KingOfNewYork  
> Boromir: ShotThroughTheHeart  
> Frodo: MaryPoppins  
> Gimli: Mufasa  
> Legolas: MarijuanaBoy  
> Merry: MerryChrysler  
> Pippin: TookYaLongEnough  
> Sam: Potatoes

**Boromir:** bro where are you

**Boromir:** Elessar?

**Boromir:** dude come on answer

**Boromir:** are you sick or smth

**Boromir:** I’m guessing you are bc Elrond isn’t here and neither are you

**Boromir:** Mk well see you tmr ig

**Boromir:** feel better man

_ Read at 1:19pm _

—————————————————————

**Boromir:** everyone in the group who shared a class with you got together to collect your homework for you

**Boromir:** gotta make sure you don’t miss anything dude, the new unit in science is crazy

**Boromir:** we’re dissecting frogs soon so you gotta get better quick bc that’s cool as hell

**Boromir:** want me to come by and drop off the homework?

_ Read 2:42pm _

**Boromir:** Elessar?

**Boromir:** Aragorn you’re kinda worrying me now

**Boromir:** answer your fuckin phone my guy

**Boromir:** did you block me or smth

**Boromir:** I can see the read notifs

**Boromir:** fine ignore me whatever

_ Read 3:08pm _

———————————————————

**Aragorn:** hey sorry

**Aragorn:** was kinda busy

**Aragorn:** didn’t mean to worry you or anyone else

**Boromir:** do you want your homework

**Aragorn:** yeah if you don’t mind bringing it by

**Boromir:** k omw

**Boromir:** if you don’t mind me asking wtf were you even doing

**Aragorn:** doctor’s appointment

**Aragorn:** that’s why Elrond took a day off

**Boromir:** sounds kinda urgent if the professor took off work

**Boromir:** he seems obsessed with his job sometimes

**Aragorn:** lol he kinda is but he makes time

**Boromir:** Mk well you’re not dying or anything right

**Aragorn:** nah complete opposite

**Aragorn:** fit as a flute or whatever the saying is

**Boromir:** p sure it’s fiddle but close enough

**Aragorn:** flute fiddle they’re both orchestral instruments

**Aragorn:** maybe

**Aragorn:** I don’t know actually

**Boromir:** welp look it up lol

**Boromir:** I’m outside your house rn

**Aragorn:** you gonna stay in the car or you gonna come in

**Boromir:** got Faramir with me but we can come in if you don’t mind

**Aragorn:** yeah it’s cool

—————————————————————

**MarijuanaBoy:** giraffes like

**MarijuanaBoy:** court each other ig

**MarijuanaBoy:** attract each other?

**MarijuanaBoy:** by peeing on a female

**MarijuanaBoy:** and they also battle to the death for mating rights by slamming their necks into each other and going at it until one of em gives up or gets their spine shattered

**Mufasa:** circle of life

**KingOfNewYork:** why do you know this

**MarijuanaBoy:** idk

**MarijuanaBoy:** dad was watching a documentary for some reason

**KingOfNewYork:** Thranduil watches documentaries on giraffe mating practices

**MarijuanaBoy:** apparently

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I mean don’t we all watch documentaries on giraffe mating practices at least once in our life

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** or even other animal mating practices

**KingOfNewYork:** no

**MerryChrysler:** no

**TookYaLongEnough:** yes

**Mufasa:** nah

**MarijuanaBoy:** pretty sure it’s you a Pippin on that flamethrower

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I will drop kick you so far google earth wouldn’t be able to find you if you call me that again

**MarijuanaBoy:** come at me nerd you won’t

**MarijuanaBoy:** I can take you

**KingOfNewYork:** Legolas I love you but no you probably couldn’t

**MarijuanaBoy:** I’ve taken self defense classes before Aragorn stfu

**KingOfNewYork:** Boromir is the centre back/stopper on the football team and captain of the fencing team plus he sometimes participates in wrestling matches

**KingOfNewYork:** Legolas you’d be dead

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** ty for the vote of confidence

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** very flattered that you somehow know about every activity I’ve taken part in

**KingOfNewYork:** yeah well whatever

**KingOfNewYork:** not like its hard to pay attention lol

**MarijuanaBoy:** g disaster

**KingOfNewYork:** shut up before I help him kick your ass

**MarijuanaBoy:** pfft you?

**MarijuanaBoy:** nah lol you couldn’t

**MarijuanaBoy:** I’ve got Gimli on my side

**Mufasa:** no you don’t

**MarijuanaBoy:** I’ve got me on my side

**MarijuanaBoy:** you guys couldn’t take me you’re both weak af

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** okay beanpole

**MarijuanaBoy:** DHDBSNAN IVE GOT MUSCLE IM NOT THAT SKINNY

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** mhm sure stick boy

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** though I’m not gonna lie you could definitely get away if we were chasing you bc you’re fast as fuck it’s crazy

**Mufasa:** ikr

**_KingOfNewYork has left the chat_ **

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** the fuck

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** what’s up with him

**MarijuanaBoy:** shit I might’ve taken it too far

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** what

**Mufasa:** huh

**MarijuanaBoy:** not my info to share sorry

**MarijuanaBoy:** gonna go make sure he’s okay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There might be some confusion as to where this actually takes place. These guys go to high school in Dale, near Erebor (which is still very much a kingdom). Thranduil is King of Dale, and owns the land that used to be the Greenwood (now an extinct kingdom). Bard is Mayor of Dale (yeah sorry about the demotion). Thorin is King Under the Mountain, as the kingdom of Erebor has been reestablished after being saved from Smaug, who was stripping the mountain and the land around it of oil and ore. Bilbo helped, and there's a hint to Bagginshield in the previous chapter. Elrond, a geography teacher (thank you, LukeSkywalkersChanelBoots for that idea - love the name btw) is teaching them about the history of the kingdoms of Middle-Earth. Rohan and Gondor still exist, Rivendell does not, the Shire also exists, and Mordor fell a long time ago. 
> 
> All mentions of football in this work should be understood as soccer, not American football. Boromir is on the team at their school and plays the stopper/defender (centre-back). This link should explain why -> https://www.thefalse9.com/2017/09/stopper-defender-premier-league-football-tactics.html


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *posts this and hides*
> 
> HATE ME ALL YOU WANT THERE IS REASON FOR THIS

**Boromir:** hey you good?

**Boromir:** idrk what just happened but like

**Boromir:** I’m here if you wanna talk or smth

**Aragorn:** I’m fine thanks

**Boromir:** okay well

**Boromir:** okay

**Aragorn:** sorry I’m just having a bad day and can’t really deal with the gc rn

**Aragorn:** too many messages and shit

**Aragorn:** it’s hard to explain since I don’t exactly know you that well and we only really started talking and getting along just recently so like

**Boromir:** you don’t gotta tell me anything you don’t want to dude

**Boromir:** it’s all good dw

**Aragorn:** yeah thanks

**Aragorn:** I do kinda feel like I should tho bc even though we’ve only kind of been friends for a few months I trust you more than a lot of other people I know so

**Aragorn:** do with that knowledge what you will

**Aragorn:** I should probably tell you tho

**Boromir:** if you want to

**Aragorn:** Mk well

**Aragorn:** what do you know about the lgbtq community

**Boromir:** oh

**Boromir:** probably more than a bunch of assholes at school, since I’m part of it

**Boromir:** gay and proud my friend

**Boromir:** one of the reasons I’m even on the soccer team aside from my dad making me join is to ogle the other guys not gonna lie

**Aragorn:** pfft oh my god

**Boromir:** what they’re hot

**Boromir:** ish

**Boromir:** I’ll take what I can get for the time being

**Aragorn:** okay you being a disaster aside

**Aragorn:** that makes this a hell of a lot easier actually

**Aragorn:** I’m trans

**Aragorn:** ftm

**Aragorn:** if you have a problem with that I guess you can fuck right off

**Boromir:** oh okay

**Boromir:** cool

**Boromir:** I don’t have a problem dude dw

**Aragorn:** you’re not just saying that right

**Boromir:** no, I’m not just saying that

**Boromir:** I’m a dick sometimes but I’m not cruel and def not transphobic

**Boromir:** you okay tho?

**Aragorn:** better now yeah

**Aragorn:** thank you

**Boromir:** no problem man

**Boromir:** want me to add you back to the chat?

  
**Aragorn:** yeah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so idk what y'all think about this.
> 
> I essentially projected my issues with my own gender onto... well, basically the entire group chat. Quarantine has been putting everyone's sense of self into consideration, I think, because we're away from all the social constructs of gender. We aren't referred to as our AGAB as much as we were before all this, so we aren't crammed into that little "one size fits all" box and expected to act and be seen as our AGAB. Because of this, a bunch of people (both people that I know and people online) are figuring out that maybe they don't actually fit whatever they were told their gender was. And that's awesome, I love that. It's also hella confusing, I know it is. I myself am demigender (probably demifluid but I'm not sure yet) and thought for the longest time that I was ftm. Gender itself is made by society, it is not a scientific thing. Be whoever you want to be, and don't let anyone tell you how to dress or how to look. You're you, and that's all that matters. 
> 
> As for what happens in this chapter, I don't really have an excuse. I did it because I wanted to and because that's what I was thinking of at the time. This will sound weird but it's the best explanation I can think of; at the start of my attempts to figure out my gender, I actually wore the Evenstar necklace for like, 3 weeks straight. Didn't take it off for more than 10 minutes. Tried to convince myself it was because of Arwen, and how pretty the necklace was (it IS very beautiful, Tolkien did wonderfully with the design), but that wasn't the reason. 
> 
> The reason is because it is probably the most masculine necklace anyone could ever have, and that is a fact. That thing journeyed all the way across Middle-Earth, and only broke when Aragorn fell off that cliff (good job, 10/10 balance). Then it survived Helm's Deep and the Battle of Pelennor Fields, as well as the assault on the Black Gates. And of course it is worn by the embodiment of healthy masculinity, who happens to be a brilliant role model. I feel like a lot of people think that trans men are really femme and trans women are really masc, but that isn't always the case. And when it is the case, it shouldn't be scorned or seen as a contradiction to who they are.
> 
> I like how the notes sections are long enough to write an entire 5,000 character work. Anyways, this is my reason for making Aragorn ftm. 
> 
> If you have a problem with that I guess you can fuck right off.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're gonna add another chapter so we can move right on past any awkwardness that might've been stemmed form the previous chapter.
> 
> Gandalf: GandalfStormcrow  
> Aragorn: KingOfNewYork  
> Boromir: ShotThroughTheHeart  
> Gimli: Mufasa  
> Legolas: MarijuanaBoy  
> Merry: MerryChrysler  
> Pippin: TookYaLongEnough

**_ShotThroughTheHeart added KingOfNewYork to the chat_ **

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** jellyfish are essentially immortal and can also grow to be absolutely fucking gigantic and that’s why they’re the real scary thing in the ocean not sharks

**MarijuanaBoy:** sharks aren’t scary at all tho

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** exactly

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** but jellyfish are

**MarijuanaBoy:** now I know what to scare you with next time

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** next time wtf do you mean next time

**MarijuanaBoy:** it’s a secret

**MerryChrysler:** jellyfish have no brains

**MerryChrysler:** Boromir is scared of something that doesn’t have a brain

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** zombies don’t have brains either and you’d be scared of them

**TookYaLongEnough:** meh debatable

**KingOfNewYork:** debatable how

**TookYaLongEnough:** listen if a zombie runs at me I’ll either stay still or run at it too

**MerryChrysler:** if a zombie came to him with its arms out pip would give it a hug

**TookYaLongEnough:** I’m not gonna deny a good citizen a hug mk touch starvation is a thing merry

**MarijuanaBoy:** identity theft is a thing Jim

**Mufasa:** bear beets battlestar galactica

**KingOfNewYork:** what’s the procedure everybody what’s the procedure

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** oh shit we should probably add Gandalf back he’s been gone for like two weeks

**KingOfNewYork:** oh yeah lol

**_ShotThroughTheHeart added GandalfStormcrow to the chat_ **

**GandalfStormcrow:** I see that none of you have completed a single thing in this group chat since I left.

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** nope sorry dumbledore

**KingOfNewYork:** I feel like we’ve actually done a lot but mk

**GandalfStormcrow:** Making friends does not count as completing something.

**KingOfNewYork:** yes it does

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** gandalf is just jelly bc we aren’t friends with him

**GandalfStormcrow:** And why, pray tell, would I want to be friends with you?

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** my personality is stunning, I’m hot as hell, I’m funny, plus I’ve got the addition of an adorable little brother and his effect is like a baby on girls except it’s guys instead

**GandalfStormcrow:** Your personality is a dumpster fire, you’re not as attractive as you think you are, and you are very much not funny. Faramir is very likable, I will give you that.

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** idk whether to feel insulted or complimented I’m so confused rn

**KingOfNewYork:** why are they calling you to the office

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** oh probably bc I punched a guy and broke his nose but it’s fine

**KingOfNewYork:** what the fuck

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** yeah it’s all good tho

**MarijuanaBoy:** which guy

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** think his name is something stupid

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** sounded like “mouth” but I probably didn’t hear it right

**KingOfNewYork:** Iro Moufe? The guy with shitty dental and weird tattoos around his lips? Always has a hood pulled so low his eyes are covered even when teachers tell him to take it off?

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** yeah him

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** he was being a dick so I forcefully told him to shut up

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** aggressive negotiations

**MerryChrysler:** heh Star Wars

—————————————————————

**Aragorn:** what was he saying

**Boromir:** stupid shit

**Aragorn:** like what

**Boromir:** he was talking bs about you and gimli and everyone else in the gc

**Boromir:** calling all of us slurs and shit, said his buddy sauron or sour-man or sermon or whatever was going to “cleanse the school”

**Boromir:** if he does it again I’ll break his jaw instead

**Aragorn:** uhm dont you could be arrested for assault

**Boromir:** yeah but it would be worth it

**Aragorn:** ty ig

**Boromir:** no problem man

**Boromir:** gotta stick up for my friends ya?

**Boromir:** woulda punched him anyways even if y’all weren’t my friends bc that shit was disrespectful

**Aragorn:** well thanks again but you COULD be arrested for assault

**Aragorn:** you okay?

**Boromir:** my hand kinda hurts but it’s fine

**Boromir:** I very much do not regret punching him at all

**Boromir:** unfortunately I’ll probably be absent from the gc for a few days

**Boromir:** probably from school too

**Aragorn:** surely they won’t suspend you if they know why you did it

**Boromir:** oh they’ve already said I’m not suspended dw

**Boromir:** dad will be pissed tho so I’ll be grounded or smth

**Aragorn:** I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

**Aragorn:** your dad is a dick

**Boromir:** yeah but I’m stuck with him for the next few years so

**Boromir:** just gotta deal with it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've realized I kind of wrote Sam and Frodo out of this. I am so sorry holy shit.
> 
> I guess my brain can only handle so many different people at once


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was posted in place of a different one that I decided to scrap. This is also my second attempt to post this one, because I accidentally turned off my computer while doing it the first time. We're just gonna skip right over that and head into this. Gonna get pretty gay here.
> 
> Aragorn: KingOfNewYork  
> Boromir: ShotThroughTheHeart  
> Gimli: Mufasa  
> Legolas: MarijuanaBoy  
> Merry: MerryChrysler  
> Pippin: TookYaLongEnough

**TookYaLongEnough:** if someone were to take knives and tape them to their fingers

**MarijuanaBoy** : already a bad start to a discussion but please continue I’m interested

**TookYaLongEnough:** would they be wolverine or Freddy Kruger

**Mufasa:** Freddy

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** ah but consider instead; Edward scissorhands

**TookYaLongEnough:** what the fuck is that

**MerryChrysler:** who

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** YOU DONT KNOW EDWARD SCISSORHANDS???

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I’m going to either cry, have a stroke, die, or all three in that order

**KingOfNewYork:** I vaguely remember that movie

**KingOfNewYork:** it was really sad right

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** yeah kinda

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** Johnny Depp plays a weird science experiment that’s basically Frankenstein’s Monster crossed with Wolverine except he’s super nice and he’s never learned much about the world so it’s like a toddler in an adult’s body and the adult’s body just happens to have knives for fingers because he was never finished

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** his creator dies in the beginning, leaving him (an incomplete experiment boi) alone in this weird factory, so he leaves and goes to the town nearby and meets this girl

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I don’t remember much of the movie but I think basically these asshole guys trick him into doing a lot of illegal stuff like breaking into a house for some reason and so the police are called on him and that’s as far as my memory goes

**KingOfNewYork:** we should watch it again

**KingOfNewYork:** I mean like

**KingOfNewYork:** together or separately idm which one man haha

**MarijuanaBoy:** mess

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** sure we could watch it

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I’ll see if dad will let you over here

**KingOfNewYork:** cool

**MarijuanaBoy:** g

**Mufasa:** hah

**KingOfNewYork:** stfu

**TookYaLongEnough:** that sounds weird but weird is my favorite

**TookYaLongEnough:** **_@MerryChrysler_** wanna watch it

**MerryChrysler:** fuck yeah come over after school

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I feel accomplished

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I’ve contributed to merry and pippin’s craziness

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** id like to thank the academy, for teaching me shit, my brother, for being the best, Johnny Depp, for playing a weird character like he always does

**MarijuanaBoy:** this is hardly award worthy

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** you say that now but I promise you these two will be talking about this movie for the next week at least

**MarijuanaBoy:** oh goodie another reason to hate you

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** ouch my cold, nonexistent heart

**KingOfNewYork:** well, not nonexistent

**KingOfNewYork:** there’s gotta be something there

**KingOfNewYork:** you’d be dead otherwise haha

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** you right you right

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I’m like the grinch then, with a heart that’s 12 sizes too small or whatever the quote is

**Mufasa:** MESS

**TookYaLongEnough:** wow that was some save

**TookYaLongEnough:** we need an entire new thing just for that hold on lemme make one

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** new what

**TookYaLongEnough:** new map on Mario Kart bc Merry has figured out all the secrets of the one we normally play

**MerryChrysler:** speaking of saves lol

**TookYaLongEnough:** listen, I know how to stop a skyshell okay

**TookYaLongEnough:** no one wants to be around when that one goes off because it’s gonna be messy and probably nuclear hot

**MerryChrysler:** PFFT PIPPIN HOLY FUCK YOU CANT HUST SAY STUFF LIKE THAT IN FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPDL

**TookYaLongEnough:** oh can’t I

**TookYaLongEnough:** at least it isn’t like the FS bomb

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** FS bomb?

**TookYaLongEnough:** Field (of) Screen bomb, if someone uses it everyone in view of the user gets stunned

**TookYaLongEnough:** except the user of course

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** that makes sense ig

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** this game sounds weird

**KingOfNewYork:** I second that

**KingOfNewYork:** what is even happening

**MerryChrysler:** what a save

**MerryChrysler:** you should play football pip you’d be great at keeper, with all these saves

**TookYaLongEnough:** why ty

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** both of you have been banned from joining, dont you remember

  
**MerryChrysler:** oh shit you’re right nvm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Boromir has never played Mario Kart. He doesn't have a single gaming console. Thanks, Denethor.
> 
> Aragorn just never really cared about Nintendo. I think he's a Skyrim player, tbh. Or maybe even Tomb Raider. He might play Uncharted, though that kind of counts as a FPS I think. He definitely isn't a FPS gamer.
> 
> Why am I trying to figure out what type of gamer two fictional characters are, you ask? Because I have nothing better to do.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An isolationist Forest Hobo attempted to escape from forced therapy, only to end up in a Hot Guy's backyard. More at 5pm, but first, the weather.
> 
> This is pretty out of character, but what else is new?
> 
> Aragorn: InDenial  
> Boromir: InDenial2  
> Gimli: Caveman  
> Legolas: Treehugger  
> Merry: MerrBear  
> Pippin: PeregrineFalcon

**_Merry Brandybuck created a group chat_ **

**_Merry Brandybuck added Pippin Took, Legolas Thranduilion, Gimli Cavin, and Aragorn Elessar to the chat_ **

**_Merry Brandybuck changed restrictions on Aragorn Elessar_ **

**Merry Brandybuck:** there now you can’t leave

**Aragorn Elessar:** fuck you

**Merry Brandybuck:** no ty you’re not my type

**Pippin Took:** DNDBSNSDKKXND HAHAHAHAH

**_Pippin Took changed Merry Brandybuck’s name to MerrBear_ **

**_MerrBear changed Pippin Took’s name to PeregrineFalcon_ **

**_PeregrineFalcon changed Gimli Cavin’s name to Caveman_ **

**_MerrBear changed Legolas Thranduilion’s name to Treehugger_ **

**_PeregrineFalcon changed Aragorn Elessar’s name to InDenial_ **

**InDenial:** why

**PeregrineFalcon:** because it’s true

**PeregrineFalcon:** now Aragorn wh dont you tell us about your little crush on Boromir

**InDenial:** no ty

**InDenial:** fuck I forgot I can’t leave

**InDenial:** I hate you

**PeregrineFalcon:** Aw I love you too buddy

**MerrBear:** tell us about your feeeelinngggsss

**Treehugger:** Aragorn, dude, you really need to talk about this to SOMEONE

**InDenial:** fuck?? Off??

**Treehugger:** welp I tried

**Caveman:** he likes you back you know :/

**InDenial:** hah no

**InDenial:** can I leave now

**Caveman:** absolutely

**Caveman:** not

**Caveman:** idk if y’all noticed at all but I am friends with him

**Caveman:** like I was friends with him before the project happened but now we’re super close

**Caveman:** he’s like, my best friend, if I had those

**Treehugger:** I thought Kili was your best friend

**Caveman:** nah he’s my cousin there’s a difference

**Caveman:** anyways back to my point, he’s been panicking this entire time about whether or not he should ask you out

**Caveman:** he can talk himself into doing it but then he panics about HOW he should do it and eventually he just decides not to

**InDenial:** are you sure

**InDenial:** we ARE talking about Boromir right not someone else

**InDenial:** I dont think boromir has ever panicked about a single thing in his life

**Caveman:** you are completely dodging the topic my guy

**Treehugger:** the point is

**Treehugger:** obviously he’s too chicken to ask you out so you gotta do it

**Treehugger:** try something small first ig

**Treehugger:** y’all watching that movie together probably counts as a first date anyways lol

**PeregrineFalcon:** it really doesn’t

**PeregrineFalcon:** Boromir’s dad will be there and also probably Faramir too, you know how boro hates to leave him alone

**MerrBear:** maybe we could take Faramir out somewhere

**MerrBear:** like to a library or a museum he likes learning stuff right

**InDenial:** yeah he does

**InDenial:** idk if Denethor would allow it though

**InDenial:** then again Denethor also likes you two more than he likes me, and he’s letting me over to the house to watch a movie so maybe

**MerrBear:** we’ll ask tomorrow

**MerrBear:** before you go over

**Treehugger:** so are you asking him out or not

**InDenial:** yeah I’ll try

**Caveman:** good, glad we cleared that up

**Caveman:** now kick him

**InDenial:** what

**_PeregrineFalcon removed InDenial from the chat_ **

**_MerrBear made the chat invite only_ **

**_MerrBear deleted all chat messages_ **

**_MerrBear added Boromir Tirith to the chat_ **

**_PeregrineFalcon changed Boromir Tirith’s name to InDenial2_ **

**MerrBear:** heh electric boogaloo

**InDenial2:** what is happening

**InDenial2:** why’d you make a whole new gc

**Treehugger:** we need to talk that’s why

**Caveman:** it’s about Aragorn

**InDenial2:** is he okay? Did something happen?

**Caveman:** no he’s fine dw

**Treehugger:** I like that reaction tho that’s a good reaction

**InDenial2:** uh

**Caveman:** shut up Legolas

**Treehugger:** love you too babe

**Caveman:** Boromir to put this quite simply you need to step the fuck up and ask Aragorn out already

**InDenial2:** what the hell gimli

**InDenial2:** nononono it’s not like that

**Caveman:** oh really? Bc he’s all you’ve been talking about the past three times we’ve hung out together

**Caveman:** you literally trust him to be in a room alone with Faramir for more than a minute that’s a big thing

**InDenial2:** I know it’s a big thing but HE doesn’t know that

**InDenial2:** plus Faramir really likes him so who am I to tell him no

**PeregrineFalcon:** lol which him Aragorn or Faramir

**InDenial2:** either, both, yes, choose one

**InDenial2:** they’ve teamed up on me you know that?

**InDenial2:** they both have horrible puppy eyes and I shouldn’t break but itssocuteandsad

**MerrBear:** oh yeah, he’s very much gone

**MerrBear:** we’ve lost him to the gay thoughts

**InDenial2:** merry you’re 100% gayer than me

**MerrBear:** hah you right

**Caveman:** ask him out

**InDenial2:** I can’t that would royally fuck up our friendship if he doesn’t feel the same way Gimli

**InDenial2:** I’ll take what I can get rn and I don’t want to lose the only thing I have

**Treehugger:** okay listen Boromir

**Treehugger:** I hate you

**Treehugger:** I have never ever liked you

**Treehugger:** but I’m here because Aragorn is my best friend, and you’re both idiots who think the other doesn’t like them back

**Treehugger:** you need to either ask him out or ask him out there’s no other options

**Treehugger:** I’d rather both of you be happy and gross together than sad and stupid apart

InDenial2: thanks?? I guess?

**Treehugger:** you’re welcome

**PeregrineFalcon:** wow LEGOS you really went for it

**PeregrineFalcon:** thought you hated him

**Treehugger:** I do? That’s literally the very first thing I said

**Treehugger:** also don’t call me legos I’m not a toy

**MerrBear:** he’s going soft pippin

**PeregrineFalcon:** yeah he is

**Treehugger:** let it be known that I hate everyone in this chat except Gimli

**Caveman:** <3

**Caveman:** anyways yeah ask him out Boromir otherwise you’ll both die alone

**InDenial2:** you’re sure he likes me

**InDenial2:** you’re not just saying that?

**Caveman:** HE LIKES YOU

**Treehugger:** he likes you :/

**PeregrineFalcon:** he likes you

**MerrBear:** he REALLY likes you

**InDenial2:** okay

**InDenial2:** I’ll do it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Self care is buying a bag of Hershey's minis and a loaf of garlic bread, then eating it alone while watching Netflix original shows.
> 
> The Queen's Gambit is amazing btw, y'all should try it.
> 
> Essentially in this chapter, Aragorn attempts to avoid any talk of... *looks around* ...feelings...*shudders*. And then Boromir is just helpless and oblivious. There is not a single person in Middle-Earth that I trust to be completely mentally healthy (except maybe Hamfast Gamgee). Everyone in Middle-Earth needs extensive therapy, and I will stand by that statement.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want one thing and one thing only. And that thing? It's sleep. Also I've definitely accidentally shoved Sam and Frodo out of the group, y'all let me know if you want me to take them out of the tags for this.
> 
> Aragorn: KingOfNewYork  
> Boromir: ShotThroughTheHeart  
> Gimli: Mufasa  
> Legolas: MarijuanaBoy  
> Merry: MerryChrysler  
> Pippin: TookYaLongEnough

**Aragorn:** hey

**Boromir:** hi

**Aragorn:** so I wanted to talk to you about smth

**Aragorn:** and I should be doing this in person but then I’d have to wait until tomorrow and I would absolutely chicken out

**Boromir:** just go for it ig

**Boromir:** you don’t have to worry ab anything

**Boromir:** I actually gotta talk to you about something too but you go first

**Aragorn:** okay

**Aragorn:** I like you,

**Aragorn:** I would also like to take you on a date.

**Boromir:** thank fucking god

**Boromir:** I would love to go on a date with you

**Boromir:** I was actually about to ask you out too lol

**Aragorn:** oh well what a fortunate coincidence

**Aragorn:** I was thinking maybe a museum? Or like, the zoo? So we could don’t have to leave Faramir with your father

**Boromir:** oh my god would you do that? You’re so fucking nice

**Aragorn:** yeah dw

**Aragorn:** ik how much you care for your brother Boromir

**Boromir:** the zoo sounds amazing

**Boromir:** if we go on a Sunday it’ll be free

**Boromir:** they get so few visitors on Sundays bc of church and everything so they wouldn’t make a profit anyways

**Aragorn:** how did I not know they did that

**Aragorn** : that’s actually really cool

**Boromir:** ikr

**Boromir:** so this Sunday then?

**Aragorn:** yeah

**Aragorn:** do you want me to pick you up or do you want to meet at the zoo?

**Boromir:** we could meet there, if you don’t mind

**Aragorn:** idm

**Aragorn:** shit do you see what’s going on in the gc

**Boromir:** no hold on

—————————————————————

**MerryChrysler** : fuck shut the up Legolas

**MerryChrysler:** anyways then the police just showed up and now they’re talking to Pippin and I’m waiting for my turn to get interrogated

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** the hell did you do

**MerryChrysler:** absolutely nothing

**MerryChrysler:** i guess one of my neighbors called the cops on me, must’ve seen me and pip with a full on skeleton in the backyard and thought we killed someone or smth

**MarijuanaBoy:** it’s all rather entertaining really

**MarijuanaBoy:** if they bring you to the cells make sure to ask for one separate from whatever other guys they have there, they’ll do it since you’re minors

**MerryChrysler:** will do

**MerryChrysler:** Oop gtg good cop and bad cop are here

**MerryChrysler:** really hope this is just like

b99 said it would be

**TookYaLongEnough:** never have I ever gotten arrested for digging up my own backyard though technically it’s not MY backyard and then gotten brought to the station and interrogated for a full hour about where we found the bodies and who the bodies were and why the were there and where we got the shovels and did merry’s parents really allow us to do this, and then when they let you go back to the waiting room so they can interrogate your best friend instead and you aren’t supposed to have your phone but you grab it off the front desk because the person there is distracted so you hide it in your jacket and employ every skill you’ve learned from middle school and freshman year of highschool to keep the phone hidden so you can still text without anyone knowing

**KingOfNewYork:** wow alright

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I literally don’t even know what to say that was so wild

**Mufasa:** rollercoaster from start to finish yeah

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** what even happened anyways why are you at the police station

**TookYaLongEnough:** okay so we were digging up the backyard right

**TookYaLongEnough:** and then merry’s neighbor looks over the fence and I smile and twirl the shovel like a lightsaber and almost hit Merry in the face

**TookYaLongEnough:** she sees the skeleton we found and screams, goes to call the police, meanwhile Merry is still trying to figure out if we can sell the things to a museum

**TookYaLongEnough:** the police come and see the bones and us with the shovels and are like ‘what the fuck’ and so we get arrested for suspected murder or smth even though we are clearly hella young and the skeletons had been dead for a while

**TookYaLongEnough:** so we got taken to the station and they come and talk to me first and they’re doing the whole good cop bad cop routine you see on tv and shit and I’m not impressed at all, mostly because we very obviously didn’t kill whoever we dug up and also they aren’t actually very good at the gc/bc

**TookYaLongEnough:** def not as good as Rosa and Holt or even Holt and Jake

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** did they provide a lawyer or at least bring your parents with you

**TookYaLongEnough:** nah

**TookYaLongEnough:** I didn’t answer many of their questions anyways, but I probably should’ve asked for a lawyer when I went in there

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** yes you should have

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** did Merry ask for one?

**TookYaLongEnough:** no clue but probably not

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** alright thatssss fine that’s great

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** if they want to talk to you again you say you won’t talk to them further without a lawyer present

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** that goes for both of you

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** you’re minors they should’ve had your parents there anyways

**MerryChrysler:** I’m so confused

**MerryChrysler:** they asked me about a ton of random shit

**MerryChrysler:** like if I ever had a cat or a dog

**MerryChrysler:** and then asked if I liked toast with jam or butter but didn’t even bring me any afterwards like sirs if I’m talking about food I’d better get food

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** lawyers

**MerryChrysler:** what is it with you and lawyers

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I know the law my guy

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** better than all of y’all

**MerryChrysler:** pip is being taken back in

**MerryChrysler:** they didn’t even call his parents or anything smh

**KingOfNewYork:** why are they even still keeping you there is there really a case for murder

**MerryChrysler:** idek anymore man

**MerryChrysler:** they said it was for suspected murder but like, of who and why would we have done it and also how would we have done it

**MerryChrysler:** jfc incompetent

**MerryChrysler:** fuck they’re about to take my phone talk to you guys later after they look through my entire history and every chat we’ve ever had sigh

**MerryChrysler:** hope they ain’t homophobic bc ive got a ton of gay shit on here and that isn’t even counting you guys

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** LAWYER

**KingOfNewYork:** aaand he’s gone

**MarijuanaBoy:** this is crazy

**MarijuanaBoy:** who do you think was buried in merry’s backyard

**Mufasa:** probably some old guy from ancient times or smth

**Mufasa:** there’s no way it was a fresh skeleton

**MarijuanaBoy:** probably

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Your comments give me intense serotonin, so maybe consider leaving one? You dont gotta but like
> 
> I smile
> 
> So hard
> 
> When I see comments.
> 
> I like talking to y'all.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really quick, funny update. Why? Because I won't be near my computer for 3 weeks, and I have to leave in a minute. So sorry! Will try to post from my phone, but I'm not sure how well that'll work. I'm also not entirely sure how people behave when they're high, so I made it up. Tada!
> 
> Aragorn: KingOfNewYork  
> Boromir: ShotThroughTheHeart  
> Gimli: Mufasa  
> Legolas: MarijuanaBoy  
> Merry: MerryChrysler  
> Pippin: TookYaLongEnough

**MarijuanaBoy:** centaurs have six limbs and are therefore insects

**Mufasa:** what is wrong with you

**MarijuanaBoy:** many things

**MarijuanaBoy:** octopuses have 8 legs and are therefore arachnids in this essay I will-

**Mufasa:** how high are you

**MarijuanaBoy:** no Gimli it’s hi how are you

**KingOfNewYork:** about 6ft I think

**Mufasa:** both of you?? Where even are you

**KingOfNewYork:** good question

**KingOfNewYork:** physically in the tree in my backyard

**KingOfNewYork:** but spiritually I’m about to fist fight god in a Denny’s parkinglot

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** wtf

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** it’s 3am

**MarijuanaBoy:** weed waits for no one, borobithc

**Mufasa:** you just tried to swear at him but you typed with a lisp

**MarijuanaBoy:** fuck youuuuuu fuck you very very muuuuwndbdmsns

**KingOfNewYork:** HE FELL OUT OF THE TREE IM

**KingOfNewYork:** IMCRYING

**MarijuanaBoy:** yeah so am I asshole

**MarijuanaBoy:** I landed on that fucking honest to god tire swing y’all have and nearly broke all my arms this isn’t funny

**KingOfNewYork:** it’s kinda funny

**MarijuanaBoy:** Mk it’s kinda funny but shhh

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** do your parents know where you are

**MarijuanaBoy:** dad is on a business trip to somewhere and mom is asleep so it’sf ine

**MarijuanaBoy:** I snuck out my window dw

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** somehow that’s making me worry more

**KingOfNewYork:** chill it’s fine

**KingOfNewYork:** he’ll be able to get back up I think

**Mufasa:** back up into the tree or to his window?

**KingOfNewYork:** yes

**MarijuanaBoy:** oreos

**MarijuanaBoy:** Gimli do you have Oreos

**Mufasa:** yeah probably why

**MarijuanaBoy:** that’s it I’m coming over to your house

**Mufasa:** the fuck

**Mufasa:** no you aren’t, my dad will be pissed

**Mufasa:** Aragorn he’s your boyfriend now keep him the hell away from my house while he’s high

**KingOfNewYork:** I don’t want him no ty

**MarijuanaBoy:** ): 

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** why is your frowny face backwards stop that

**MarijuanaBoy:** ): ): ): ): 

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** stop

**MarijuanaBoy:** ); ); D: O: I: T: F: O: R:

**MarijuanaBoy:** T: H: E: V: I: N: E:

**Mufasa:** well damn he really spelled that out

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** alright clearly sleep is something that isn’t happening tonight

**ShotThroughTheHeart** : how long have you two been high

**MarijuanaBoy:** probably started somewhere around 1am but idk

**KingOfNewYork:** nah it was 12 bc that’s when you came over

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** you’ve been smoking pot for 3 hours

**Mufasa:** thank god they aren’t crackheads or smth like that bc then they’d be dead

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** they’re about to be dead anyways I’m tempted to call Elrond

**KingOfNewYork:** nooooo

**MarijuanaBoy:** nOOOOOO DONT DO THAT

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** well stop smoking and go drink water or some shit

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** idk how to deal with stoned people only drunk people

**Mufasa:** I think crackers help the same way it soaks up alcohol but that might be a stretch

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** orange juice?

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** wait that might just be for blood loss hold on

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** maybe they need to sleep it off

**MarijuanaBoy:** pfft sleep who sleeps these days

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** me and I’d kind of like to go back to doing it so if you could please get out of the goddamn tree and go to bed that would be great

**KingOfNewYork:** Legolas you cant walk home high like that you might get mugged or smth

**KingOfNewYork:** I’d drive you but ya know

**MarijuanaBoy:** all good I’ll just sleep on the floor or smth

**MarijuanaBoy:** or like under the bed or in the closet like a gremlin

**KingOfNewYork:** you can sleep in the extra closet, it’s empty rn

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** you just have an entire extra closet

**KingOfNewYork:** yeah I think the only reason it’s even there is really to be another access point to the attic

**KingOfNewYork:** I never use it so it’s kind of like a study nook/movie fort

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** thats

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** actually really cute wtf

**MarijuanaBoy:** ew gay cooties

**Mufasa:** Legolas we’ve been dating for three years

**MarijuanaBoy:** oh yeah lol

**KingOfNewYork:** who the hell is playing All Star at full volume

**KingOfNewYork:** it sounds like one of my neighbors houses and I thought they were all old people so I’m very confused

**MarijuanaBoy:** Jesus can walk on water

**MarijuanaBoy:** watermelons are 92% water

**MarijuanaBoy:** I can walk on watermelons

**MarijuanaBoy:** therefore I am 92% Jesus

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** this is shitposting worthy of merry and Pippin

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** how am I friends with y’all again

**MarijuanaBoy:** I hath twelve toes and seven eyes

**KingOfNewYork:** SHUT YON FUCKETH MOUTH

**Mufasa:** I’m tempted to wake up gandalf just so he can mute them

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I’m tempted to just chuck the phone out the window and hit my head against the wall until I fall unconscious but your plan probably works better

**KingOfNewYork:** dont do that???

**KingOfNewYork:** you might break smth

**KingOfNewYork:** like your skull or your face and your face is pretty so don’t

**MarijuanaBoy:** are you two together yet bc my teeth are literally starting to hurt from all this fluffy shit

**MarijuanaBoy:** wait no it might be the weed causing that hold on

**Mufasa:** is that even possible

**MarijuanaBoy:** my teeth hurt??? someone help

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** pretty sure that’s a sign from a god to stfu and stop smoking

**MarijuanaBoy:** you didn’t answer my question fire face

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** and I won’t either until you’re both sober and I’ve had at least 3 hours of sleep ty and goodnight

**_ShotThroughTheHeart has left the chat_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okayokayokay see y'all in 3 weeks (I'll be back sometime near Thanksgiving). We'll have a chapter talking about the Big Zoo Date then (I meant to have it up yesterday as something fun for Halloween but I didn't have enough time to post it before my internet went out at 12am, to force me to go to bed).
> 
> BYE!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE RETURNED
> 
> And I will be here for 3 weeks, until I have to leave again. Hopefully by then we'll be all caught up on everything. Two chapters will be posted today, just like always, so the next one will be up in a moment. Onto the usual list of names (which will soon get longer)
> 
> Aragorn: KingOfNewYork  
> Boromir: ShotThroughTheHeart  
> Gimli: Mufasa  
> Legolas: MarijuanaBoy  
> Merry: MerryChrysler  
> Pippin: TookYaLongEnough

**MerryChrysler:** rise and shine and give god your fucking money

**TookYaLongEnough:** give the church a giant check of money to bail them out of taxes

**Mufasa:** hey look who’s back

**MarijuanaBoy:** wb you fucking legends

**KingOfNewYork:** the gang’s back together

**KingOfNewYork:** minus Gandalf and Frodo and Sam

**KingOfNewYork:** where even are they

**MarijuanaBoy:** and also borobitch

**MarijuanaBoy:** he left the chat last night remember

**MarijuanaBoy:** froyo boggins and samurai gambling are on a school camping trip in the mountains they won’t be back for another month or so

**KingOfNewYork:** oh yeah that’s right

**_KingOfNewYork added ShotThroughTheHeart to the chat_ **

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** oh hey look the boys are back in town

**MarijuanaBoy:** right anyways I’m somewhat sober now so answer the fucking question sharkboy

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** it’s lavagirl excuse you she’s def cooler

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** also ask me when I actually care to answer

**KingOfNewYork:** yes legolas the answer is yes

**MarijuanaBoy:** fuckin finally

**MarijuanaBoy:** jesus mary-anne joseph

**MerryChrysler:** heyzeus mary-anne josheph

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I’ve figured it out

**KingOfNewYork:** figured what out

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** how many people it would take to make a steel longsword

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I’ve done the math

**Mufasa:** tf

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** to make a steel longsword forged from the blood of my enemies I would need to drain the blood of 400 adult people and extract the iron from their blood

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** so I’m going to start with LEGO-bitch and keep going from there

**MarijuanaBoy:** first of all

**MarijuanaBoy:** I am not an adult yet so therefore your calculations are already fucked up just by starting with me

**MarijuanaBoy:** secondly 911 yeah there’s a fucking murder about to happen and it ain’t gonna be mine

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** if I drain you and then drain someone of equal height and weight

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** maybe like, haldir or smth

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** it’ll equal an adult

**KingOfNewYork:** dont kill Haldir we like Haldir

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** fine what about Lindir then

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** chocolate boy

**MarijuanaBoy:** isn’t that Elrond’s TA

**MarijuanaBoy:** the guy that always looks like he’s having an aneurysm whenever anyone does something stupid in class

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** yeah him

**MerryChrysler:** poor lindir

**MerryChrysler:** pretty sure he’s been scarred for life by pip and I

**TookYaLongEnough:** oh absolutely

**TookYaLongEnough:** I hacked his laptop once to display a bunch of interesting photos and he couldn’t stop it for two days

**MarijuanaBoy:** photos such as

**TookYaLongEnough:** one of em was of a traditional Roman bathhouse

**MarijuanaBoy:** what

**Mufasa:** oml you didn’t

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** i vaguely know what that is

**KingOfNewYork:** that’s the big communal public bath right

**KingOfNewYork:** no clothes allowed

**TookYaLongEnough:** bingo

**MerryChrysler:** oh so that’s what that was

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** you know I would’ve thought that by now I would cease to be surprised by you two but everyday you show up and do it again

**MerryChrysler:** it’s a talent of ours

**MerryChrysler:** we are good at traumatizing people

**TookYaLongEnough:** you have 2 minutes to live but every time you take a breath the timer resets

**MarijuanaBoy:** okay what the fuck

**MerryChrysler:** the talking mirror trope in fairy tales probably came from some time traveler who was seen using a smartphone

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** Siri Siri on my phone how the fuck do I get home

**TookYaLongEnough:** being afraid to check your bank account as an adult is the same thing as being afraid to check your grades as a kid

**MarijuanaBoy:** I don’t like that

**KingOfNewYork:** college is when you’re afraid of both

**MerryChrysler:** how many of y’all play an instrument

**MarijuanaBoy:** what counts as an instrument

**MerryChrysler:** strings, woodwind, brass, percussion, piano, etc

**MerryChrysler:** the ones where you read sheet music

**MarijuanaBoy:** oh

**MarijuanaBoy:** dad made me learn an instrument so I chose the flute but I don’t play it anymore

**Mufasa:** I do drums

**KingOfNewYork:** does singing count

**MerryChrysler:** can you read sheet music

**KingOfNewYork:** yeah ig

**MerryChrysler:** that’s all that matters then

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** i mean

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I play guitar

**MarijuanaBoy:** like rock guitar

**MarijuanaBoy:** gasp flamehead are you a wannabe screamo artist

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** no fuck off its an acoustic guitar

**MarijuanaBoy:** somehow that’s even better

**MarijuanaBoy:** ed sheeran twin lol

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I’m one second from strangling you through this phone I stg

**MarijuanaBoy:** boromir: anyways here’s wonderwall

**KingOfNewYork:** friends friends youre both very pretty calm down

**MarijuanaBoy:** pretty? I’m gorgeous

**Mufasa:** yeah you are babe

**MarijuanaBoy:** ;) 

**TookYaLongEnough:** Mk stop having phone sex when we’re right here

**MerryChrysler:** ANYWAYS

**MerryChrysler:** sheet music is just a sound recipe

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** mmmmmmmno

**MerryChrysler:** music itself is wiggly

**MerryChrysler:** musicians are wiggle magicians

**MerryChrysler:** wigglegicians if you will

**MerryChrysler:** wiggle wizards

**MarijuanaBoy:** how hard is it to hide a body I just wanna know for academic purposes

**Mufasa:** depends on how you kill him

**MerryChrysler:** I am uncomfortable with the energy we have created in the studio today

  
**MarijuanaBoy:** good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a little bit of shitposting fun here, friends. Half of that was, as you might have recognized, from Tumblr. The other half was my own crazy mind and things taken from my own chaotic group chat. 
> 
> Comments are welcome, I love hearing from y'all (especially if it's a few incoherent words about how funny I apparently am).


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here y'all go. I didn't REALLY know how to do this chapter, until I had inspiration last night and just vomited words. 
> 
> Individual chat  
> Aragorn: GoatMan  
> Legolas: RobinHood
> 
> GC  
> Aragorn: KingOfNewYork  
> Boromir: ShotThroughTheHeart  
> Gimli: Mufasa  
> Legolas: MarijuanaBoy  
> Merry: MerryChrysler  
> Pippin: TookYaLongEnough

**_Legolas Greenleaf made a chat_ **

**_Legolas Greenleaf added Aragorn Elessar to the chat_ **

**_Legolas Greenleaf changed their name to RobinHood_ **

**_RobinHood changed Aragorn Elessar’s name to GoatMan_ **

**RobinHood:** when are you two going on a date I need to mark the day in my calendar as a National event

**GoatMan:** we went yesterday

**RobinHood:** wtf Halloween so it’s already a National holiday guess I have to go international then

**RobinHood:** BUT YOU DIDNT NOTIFY ME??? Smh I thought we were friends :(

**GoatMan:** Legolas chill

**GoatMan:** I thought you already knew when it was :/

**RobinHood:** neither of you told anyone anything about it so N O

**GoatMan:** we went to the zoo bc they do cool lights stuff on Halloween

**GoatMan:** there isn’t really much to tell, it was fun and that’s it

**RobinHood:** I know for a fact you’re blushing rn don’t ‘that’s it’ me

**RobinHood:** I’m taking this to the Fellowship

**GoatMan:** Do not.

—————————————————————

**MarijuanaBoy:** THEY WENT ON A DATE YESTERDAY AND DIDNT TELL US

**MerryChrysler:** w h a t

**MerryChrysler:** the betrayal???

**TookYaLongEnough:** literally my heart can’t take it pls

**Mufasa:** why is this a big deal

**KingOfNewYork:** that’s what I want to know, Gimli

**MarijuanaBoy:** OBVIOUSLY it is a big deal because I’m a gossip whore

**MarijuanaBoy:** and also Gimli why haven’t you taken me to the zoo on Halloween ever

**MarijuanaBoy:** we’ve been together for years why are the two honeymoonphasers thinking of this before us

**Mufasa:** idk

**Mufasa:** I’ve never been to the zoo

**TookYaLongEnough:** you

**TookYaLongEnough:** you haven’t been

**TookYaLongEnough:** to the zoo

**MerryChrysler:** show of hands how many of y’all dumbasses have been to the zoo

**MarijuanaBoy:** me like 100 times

**KingOfNewYork:** twice now

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I used to go at least once a week when Faramir was younger but I haven’t gone in a while now

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** but I do agree, why the hell is this a big deal

**MarijuanaBoy:** aksbdvabh I hate all of you

**GandalfStormcrow:** Would you just tell him what happened, for all of our sakes? We all know he will not stop until he is satisfied.

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** how the fuck did you get back in I thought you left???

**GandalfStormcrow:** That is for me to know, and for you to think about until you have an aneurysm.

**_GandalfStormcrow changed their name to GandalfTheWhite_ **

**MerryChrysler:** well that’s obvious

**TookYaLongEnough:** not obvious enough

**_TookYaLongEnough changed GandalfTheWhite’s name to GaydalfTheWhite_ **

**TookYaLongEnough:** now it’s obvious enough

**GaydalfTheWhite:** There are approximately 1,013,913 words in the Westron language, but I could never string enough of them together to explain how much I wish to hit you with a metal folding chair. There is a similar problem for Sindarin, Khuzdul, Quenya, even the ancient and dead language Valarin. Indeed, there are not enough words in any language to convey the amount of contempt I have for you, Peregrin Took.

**TookYaLongEnough:** I’m feeling threatened, can someone change the subject before Gandalf strangles me through the phone screen

**MerryChrysler:** notice how he didn’t deny the accuracy of his name or change it to something else

**_GaydalfTheWhite has muted MerryChrysler_ **

**KingOfNewYork:** Right well new subject

**KingOfNewYork:** old subject new subject

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** red subject blue subject

**KingOfNewYork:** you’re a dork

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** :)

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** okay but for blondie’s sake and also merry’s

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** basically at Halloween the zoo does this hella cool light show thing and you go at sunset to see all of it so it’s kind of dark but not dark enough for all the animals to be inside

**KingOfNewYork:** they do the same thing at Yule, too

**KingOfNewYork:** just with different decorations

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** really? Oml we need to go again then

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** anyways we got there and my brother basically fucked off to go see whatever he was looking for, so we got to wander around alone

**TookYaLongEnough:** no chaperone? Scandalous

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** ikr

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** it was really nice tho

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** it’s easy to believe but I gotta tell y’all anyways, Aragorn is a really big sap and it’s adorable

**KingOfNewYork:** lies

**KingOfNewYork:** lies and slander

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** it’s true and you know it

**KingOfNewYork:** blocked and reported

**MarijuanaBoy:** gay

**KingOfNewYork:** Boromir is just as bad as I am

**KingOfNewYork:** and I swear he nearly cried when we saw the red pandas

**TookYaLongEnough:** that’s pretty easy to believe too actually

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** OKAY LOOK THEYRE SO CUTE

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** CAT BEARS

**KingOfNewYork:** they were pretty cute, I’ll admit

**KingOfNewYork:** especially the babies

**MarijuanaBoy:** baby red pandas

**MarijuanaBoy:** Gimli pls we need to go to the zoo now

**Mufasa:** fine

**Mufasa:** I suppose we can go

**Mufasa:** but I want to see the rhinos first

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** we didn’t see the rhinos ffs

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I didn’t even KNOW they had rhinos

**KingOfNewYork:** the map wasn’t very clear, to be fair

**KingOfNewYork:** we were kinda focused on the lights

**KingOfNewYork:** and then we got stuck in the gift shop for half an hour

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** listen

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** there were so many cool things there

**MerryChrysler:** I feel you, Pip and I have stayed there for hours before

**TookYaLongEnough:** we got kicked out last time because we wouldn’t leave

**GaydalfTheWhite:** How on earth have you unmuted yourself?

**MerryChrysler:** in your words, o’ gaydalf, that is for me to know and you to think about until you have an anurism

**MarijuanaBoy:** that is not how you spell aneurysm

**MerryChrysler:** I hav nevar spelled a thing inn my live how darr you espec me too spell write

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** holy shit I think I had a stroke can anyone else read that

**KingOfNewYork:** nope

**MarijuanaBoy:** I’m going to ignore merry

**MarijuanaBoy:** why were you stuck in the gift shop

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** okay so funny story

ShotThroughTheHeart: both of us had the same idea anddddd

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** _lionplushie.jpeg_

**KingOfNewYork:** _eagleplushie.jpeg_

**KingOfNewYork:** yeah

**TookYaLongEnough:** that is ridiculously soft

**MerryChrysler:** gay af

**MarijuanaBoy:** Gimli we need to go to the zoo

**Mufasa:** you’ve said that already babe

**Mufasa:** I will take you this weekend

**MarijuanaBoy:** I want a plushie

**Mufasa:** okay

**MarijuanaBoy:** I want three plushies

**Mufasa:** okay

**GaydalfTheWhite:** All of you are hopelessly queer, and entirely too caught up in each other to notice the looming threat.

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** threat??? Looming??? In THIS economy?? It’s more likely than you think - top 10 worst looming anime threats

**_GaydalfTheWhite muted ShotThroughTheHeart_ **

**GaydalfTheWhite:** The threat in question is the end of this year, and the project that is due the same day. Professor Elrond expects the best from us, and I do not intend to get less than an A- on this grade.

**GaydalfTheWhite:** That means, Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took, that you are both going to face my wrath should you let us down. I will be watching you. Finish your parts of the project, and do it well, or I will make you regret being born.

**_GaydalfTheWhite has muted the chat for 24 hours_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know what I like about chat fics? Typos don't matter as much as they do in normal works. They're easier to write because of that.
> 
> If you dislike anything I did in this, please tell me! Thank you for reading.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bit of a longer chapter today, but it will be the only one (bc I updated late). Back to the usual two tomorrow.
> 
> Aragorn: KingOfNewYork  
> Boromir: ShotThroughTheHeart  
> Gimli: Mufasa  
> Legolas: MarijuanaBoy  
> Merry: MerryChrysler  
> Pippin: TookYaLongEnough

**Aragorn:** you ever mind your own business and then someone comes up to you and informs you that your extended family is coming to stay for an indeterminate amount of time but you’re only learning this the fucking day before so you panic for absolutely no reason??? Bc that’s fun

**Boromir:** oh no

**Boromir:** for the harvest festival?

**Aragorn:** yep

**Aragorn:** Elrond’s brother is coming as well as the brother’s wife and kids, then there’s also their adoptive dads but they’re brothers not married

**Aragorn:** and I always get asked if I’m dating anyone or if I’ve like found a job or smth even though we’re just barely at the end of junior year

**Boromir:** well at least you now have an answer to one of those questions

**Boromir:** unless you’ve also gotten a job because then you have an answer to both

**Aragorn:** fair enough

**Aragorn:** you don’t mind me telling them then?

**Boromir:** nah idm

**Boromir:** as long as you don’t mind me telling Faramir

**Boromir:** not that he doesn’t probably already know, that kid is way too smart

**Boromir:** he’s kinda like Sherlock tbh

**Aragorn** : does that make you dr Watson then

**Boromir:** no no no Sherlock and Watson are dating no one can convince me otherwise

**Boromir:** it makes me Mycroft but if Mycroft was actually a nice brother

**Aragorn:** I can see it

**Aragorn:** you’d look good in a suit

**Boromir:** leaning up against a closed umbrella while in an empty underground parking lot talking to a guy I basically kidnapped

**Boromir:** offering money in exchange for info about my chaotic brother

**Aragorn:** practically running the entire British secret service

**Aragorn:** working directly with royalty

**Boromir:** lol

**Boromir:** how are you gonna tell your family tho

**Aragorn:** probably wait until the very last second and then lock myself in a room so they can’t ask questions why

**Boromir:** you could have some fun with this

**Aragorn:** maybe

**Boromir:** you are a lot more chaotic than you think you are

**Boromir:** however you decide to do it, I’m here if you need to talk

**Boromir:** before, after, during

**Aragorn:** ty

**Aragorn:** the same goes for you

**Boromir:** babe I’m not gonna project my shit onto you it’s way too much but thanks for the offer

**Boromir:** the only person who should ever hear that is a therapist and I’ll probably never get to talk to one sooooo

**Aragorn:** that’s healthy

**Aragorn:** seriously though you could talk to the school counselor?

**Boromir:** hah no I’d get taken off the football team and my dad would get contacted

**Aragorn:** well that’s a shit situation

**Boromir:** y e p

—————————————————————

**MarijuanaBoy:** **_@Mufasa_** get me a coffee bitch

**Mufasa:** how dark do you want it

**MarijuanaBoy:** black as my soul

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** so the whitest latte you could possibly get

**Mufasa:** yeah that’s about right

**Mufasa:** he doesn’t even like real coffee anyways

**MarijuanaBoy:** lattes are real coffee gim

**Mufasa:** no they aren’t love

**TookYaLongEnough:** gay

**MerryChrysler:** pip stfu you drink the same thing

**TookYaLongEnough:** so do you??? Bitch

**MerryChrysler:** shit you right my b

**Mufasa:** disasters, all of you

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** do none of y’all drink normal coffee

**MarijuanaBoy:** and what pray tell is your definition of normal coffee stovetop?

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** black with two sugars

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** strongest brew you can find

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** maybe two or three or seven espresso shots if you’re feeling extra tired

**MarijuanaBoy:** so you really just put coffee grounds into a tablespoon of water and call it coffee

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** so you really just put a tiny drop of coffee into a mug full of milk and whipped cream and call it coffee

**Mufasa:** I gotta agree with Boromir here

**TookYaLongEnough:** you two are gross

**MerryChrysler:** Aragorn you date this guy? THIS GUY?

**MerryChrysler:** out of all the somewhat attractive boys at our school, you chose the one that eats straight coffee beans

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** well it’s not straight if I’m doing it so that’s false

**KingOfNewYork:** unfortunately yes I do

**KingOfNewYork:** it’s a quirk you just gotta get used to

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** ouch thanks babe

**KingOfNewYork:** you’re welcome

**MerryChrysler:** damn I want a relationship like that

**TookYaLongEnough:** do you even know how long it would take to find someone willing to put up with not only you but me as well?

**TookYaLongEnough:** I’m like a shoulder-angel except I’m a shoulder-gremlin and instead of good or bad advice I just give you stupid ideas

**MarijuanaBoy:** imagine walking around living your life with one of those things from the movie Gremlins on your shoulder all the time

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** it whispers random things to you like ‘smash the plate’ or ‘eat that leaf’ or smth

**MarijuanaBoy:** yeah and you always ask it ‘why the fuck would I do that’ and it just goes ‘because you gotta’ so you do it

**MerryChrysler:** that’s exactly what Pippin does

**TookYaLongEnough:** okay listen the leaves are cromchy mk you gotta eat them

**Mufasa:** yo does anyone remember that word for the uh

**Mufasa:** like the thing where

**Mufasa:** it’s like what the public thinks of an important person??? I guess???

**Mufasa:** and like if some scandalous secret got out, it would destroy that thing

**MarijuanaBoy:** do you know what it is in Khuzdul

**Mufasa:** yeah but I can’t remember the translation for it that’s the problem

**MarijuanaBoy:** well shit I don’t know any Khuzdul sorry love

**MarijuanaBoy:** google translate?

**TookYaLongEnough:** uhhhhhhhh

**TookYaLongEnough:** reputation? Is that it?

**Mufasa:** THATS THE BITCH

**TookYaLongEnough:** wait guys I spilled my soup on the floor does anyone know if the 5 second rule counts for soup too

**TookYaLongEnough:** pls hurry it’s been 3 seconds already

**MerryChrysler:** pip is there soup all over my kitchen floor

**TookYaLongEnough:** ITS BEEN 4 SECONDS PLEASE MY SOUP

**TookYaLongEnough:** IM SAYING IT DOES AND EATING IT BRB

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** it does not count for soup wtf is wrong with you

**TookYaLongEnough:** slurp

**MerryChrysler:** dont you fucking dare lick the floor get a mop you disaster

**MarijuanaBoy:** I think Pippin is gonna die in the next two minutes because of that

**TookYaLongEnough:** my soooouuup ;-;

**KingOfNewYork:** that’s gross pippin

**KingOfNewYork:** on another note the project is due in a week so like make sure you’re ready

**KingOfNewYork:** remember this is the final grade for Elrond’s class, school ends the day we present

**MerryChrysler:** pip stop licking my kitchen floor and go work on your part I know you’re not finished with it yet

**TookYaLongEnough:** only if you make me more soup

**MerryChrysler:** why do you want soup so much

**TookYaLongEnough:** chimken n00dle

**MerryChrysler:** fair enough

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I’m deeply concerned for you two

**MarijuanaBoy:** they’re idiots but they’re our idiots so it’s fine

**TookYaLongEnough:** what if Cinderella was a cooking slave instead of a cleaning slave and her name was mozzarella

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** take his phone away please

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I will literally beg just take the phone away

**TookYaLongEnough:** I AM BEING SILENCED BY THE MEDIA

**TookYaLongEnough:** I WILL NOT STAND FOR IT VIVE LA REVOLUTION

**MerryChrysler:** what the fuck

**MerryChrysler:** HE JUMPED OUT THE GODDAMN WINDOW

**KingOfNewYork:** okay is he on drugs or smth this is weird

**MerryChrysler:** probably just sleep deprivation

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** no no I’m sleep deprived, pippin is straight up insane

**TookYaLongEnough:** ty

**KingOfNewYork:** go to sleep Boromir

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** :(

**KingOfNewYork:** we have school tomorrow go to sleep

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** :((

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I’ve survived at school on 30 minutes of sleep I’m alright

**KingOfNewYork:** whether you can do it or not, it’s not healthy

**KingOfNewYork:** you’re gonna crash eventually and it probably won’t be in a good place

**KingOfNewYork:** like a car or smth

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** fine fine fine

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** fine

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** you win this round

**MerryChrysler:** Aragorn is the dad friend oml

**MerryChrysler:** and Boromir is the other dad friend, the super supportive would-fight-anyone-for-my-kids one even when he’s hella confused about what his children are doing (he a little confused but he got the spirit)

**MerryChrysler:** he’s also the one to start the “go ask your father” loop because he thinks it’s funny

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** is that an insult or a compliment

**MarijuanaBoy:** why is that so fucking accurate oh my god

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I won’t miss you guys over the summer

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** specifically LEGO-dick

**MarijuanaBoy:** my dick is not made of legos fuck off borobitch

**TookYaLongEnough:** but how do we know if it is or not

**TookYaLongEnough:** we’ve never seen it

**MerryChrysler:** pippin do the project stop asking Legolas for dick picks

**TookYaLongEnough:** don’t you want to see a lego dick merry

**MerryChrysler:** ...okay yeah I do but you should do the project anyways

**KingOfNewYork:** why are we talking about Legolas’ dick

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** because he insulted me

**KingOfNewYork:** fair enough carry on

**MarijuanaBoy:** I’m tempted to actually send a dick pick, just so I can traumatize you guys

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** what, is it that bad looking?

**MarijuanaBoy:** better looking than your face

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** debatable

**MarijuanaBoy:** I’m not letting y’all see my dick tho, not unless we’re friends-friends

**MarijuanaBoy:** none of you are friends-friends

**MarijuanaBoy:** instead you get this half-assed lego build

**MarijuanaBoy:** _legodick.jpeg_

**MerryChrysler:** HE DID IT

**MerryChrysler:** ALL HAIL THE LEGO DICK

**TookYaLongEnough:** ALL HAIL

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** why do I talk to you guys again

**MerryChrysler:** bc you looooovveee usssss

**TookYaLongEnough:** you adore us Boromir we’re like your children

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** more like irritating chihuahuas

**TookYaLongEnough:** same thing

**MarijuanaBoy:** I’m a Maltese at least

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** one of those hairless Chinese dogs that look like Yoda had a baby with a rat

**MarijuanaBoy:** that’s it I’m keying your car and removing the entire engine

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** and I’m screenshotting that so I can give it to the police as evidence

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** don’t you dare touch my car

**MarijuanaBoy:** relax your dad will just buy you a new one

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** no??? He said this was the only car he’d buy me, I have to get the next one by myself

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** he did say I could pick one out so that’s why it’s a Range Rover

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** lesser chance of hurting myself or the car in an accident

**MarijuanaBoy:** I wonder how well Range Rover windows can stand up against bricks

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I will have merry and pippin put neon green hair dye in your shampoo if you do it

**KingOfNewYork:** Legolas leave the car alone

**MarijuanaBoy:** fuc u both

**MarijuanaBoy:** you live to see another day borobitch

**MarijuanaBoy:** strike two mister

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** you sound like my mom

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** or what I’d imagine my mom would sound like

**MarijuanaBoy:** you can’t escape your fate through depressing shit, flamethrower

**MarijuanaBoy:** I’m coming for that car

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is almost Food Day! I literally cannot wait, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Hope all of you are staying safe and social distancing. Please do not participate in Black Friday, if there are even any stores open for that. It will be a super-spreader disaster, and people will get hurt/killed.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent forever researching the family trees of the Shire and eventually just gave up. Everyone is everyone's cousin, sibling, or aunt/uncle. I am convinced there is no one who isn't related to someone in 3 different ways. The Shire is truly the place where you can be your own grandparent. What I didn't look up (mainly the leadership of each part of the Shire) comes entirely from Lord of the Rings Online. Brilliant game, and you can spend absolutely forever on it. There are people I've met who have played a specific character build for 2+ years. That's 2+ years of online play time, not just how long the character has existed.
> 
> Aragorn: KingOfNewYork  
> Boromir: ShotThroughTheHeart  
> Gimli: Mufasa  
> Legolas: MarijuanaBoy  
> Merry: MerryChrysler  
> Pippin: TookYaLongEnough

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** what’s everyone doing for the summer

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I plan to stay at home and hibernate

**MerryChrysler:** pip, Frodo, Sam, and I are going back to the Shire to visit family

**TookYaLongEnough:** I wonder if the Sackville-Bagginses have missed us

**MerryChrysler:** not likely, after what you did to their garden

**MerryChrysler:** and their front door

**MerryChrysler:** and the windows

**MerryChrysler:** and Lobelia’s best dress

**TookYaLongEnough:** wasn’t my fault she decided to step outside right at that moment

**TookYaLongEnough:** the rotten eggs wouldn’t’ve hit her otherwise

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** do I want to know what that’s about

**MerryChrysler:** the Sackville-Bagginses are horrible relatives of ours who keep stealing Cousin Bilbo’s spoons and attempting to get Bag End, which is Bilbo and Frodo’s family home

**MerryChrysler:** Bilbo’s dad built it for Belladonna Took, Bilbo’s mum, and the aunt or great aunt of Pippin, can’t remember which

**MerryChrysler:** Lobelia wants Bag End very badly and she’s so nasty with her gossip and rumors

**TookYaLongEnough:** she keeps trying to run Cousin Bilbo out of the Shire through her rumors

**TookYaLongEnough:** unfortunately for her, Bilbo lives mostly in Erebor with King Thorin, and isn’t even there to hear most of them

**TookYaLongEnough:** and if anything were to actually result in Bilbo losing ownership of Bag End, it would go to the Gaffer Gamgee first over anyone else

**MerryChrysler:** the Gaffer is Sam’s dad

**MerryChrysler:** and if the Gaffer doesn’t want it, it’ll be offered to Dudo Baggins, Bilbo’s nephew, who is also the uncle of Frodo

**MerryChrysler:** and on the rare case that Dudo doesn’t want it, it’ll go down the line of Bagginses and Tooks and Brandybucks, and likely never ever fall into the hands of the Sackville-Bagginses

**TookYaLongEnough:** I think Bilbo even has the Bracegirdles and Proudfoots on the list before Lobelia and Otho

**TookYaLongEnough:** and the Chubbs too

**MerryChrysler:** oh yeah that’s right

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** that’s confusing

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** are all your lines of succession this confusing

**MerryChrysler:** it’s not so bad really

**MerryChrysler:** it’s just family trees

**MerryChrysler:** I’m a Brandybuck, and I’m also Pippin’s cousin

**MerryChrysler:** Pippin is a Took, and his family goes back to the very first settling of the Shire

**MerryChrysler:** the Took family are the Thains of the Shire, so they lead Tookborough, Hobbiton, Brockenborings, and Sackville

**MerryChrysler:** not Buckland tho bc Buckland is separate from the Shire and the Master of Buckland is the head of there

**MerryChrysler:** and Michel Delving has its own Mayor

**MerryChrysler:** the Tooks are related to the Bagginses through Belladonna Baggins, daughter of the Thain

**MerryChrysler:** the Tooks are also related to the Boffins, the Bolgers, the Burrows, the Brownlocks, the Grubbs, the Gamgees, the Gardners, the Gamwiches, the Gammidges, the Greenhands, the Proudfoots, the Goodchilds, and of course the Brandybucks, which in turn makes the Brandybucks related to all of those families too, albeit distantly

**MerryChrysler:** except the gamgees and gardners and gamwiches and gammidges and greenhands are really all the same family they just like changing their name

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** what the fuck

**KingOfNewYork:** I’m with Boromir on this, that’s… wow

**TookYaLongEnough:** what do you guys not have big families like we do

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** no not at all

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I’ve got my dad, my brother, my uncle, and my cousins, that’s it

**KingOfNewYork:** I guess mine is kinda confusing but that’s just because of relations, not size

**KingOfNewYork:** Elrond has a brother and their parents are also brothers, not married

**KingOfNewYork:** and then on the other hand it was just my mom and dad

**MerryChrysler:** we gettin deep into people’s lives here

**MerryChrysler:** legodick open thine heart and spill thine family secrets

**MarijuanaBoy:** fine

**MarijuanaBoy:** I’ve got two older brothers and then my father and mother

**MarijuanaBoy:** father also has two brothers

**Mufasa:** my father, my mother, my uncles, my aunts, my cousins, a few distantly related family members

**Mufasa:** all of which are royalty of some type

**TookYaLongEnough:** okay you guys are the weird ones, why do you have such small families

**TookYaLongEnough:** Oop is everyone ready to present

**TookYaLongEnough:** Elrond is glaring at me because I’m on my phone lol

**TookYaLongEnough:** guys?

**TookYaLongEnough:** hello? Oh shit wait

—————————————————————

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** you dumbass

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** we were all standing up there and you were still texting

**TookYaLongEnough:** listen I never said I was observant

**MarijuanaBoy:** we called your name three times

**TookYaLongEnough:** my mind is fixed on summer and how the last school bell is about to ring

**TookYaLongEnough:** AND THERE IT IS SEE YA LATER LOSERS

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** did he shout that and text that at the same time

**KingOfNewYork:** yes are you surprised

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** tbh no

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I guess I’ll see you guys next year then

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** except, obviously, you babe ;)

**KingOfNewYork:** no

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** :(

**KingOfNewYork:** sigh

**KingOfNewYork:** ;)

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** yusss

**MarijuanaBoy:** that was incredibly gay

**MarijuanaBoy:** see you tomorrow Gimli <3

  
**Mufasa:** <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize entirely for those of you who read this solely for Frodo/Sam interactions, because uh... they've just completely disappeared. I seem to have a limited writing ability when it comes to character perspectives. I can't keep up with 9 people + the others I'll be adding in later. That's why Gandalf has left (though really, is that a surprise? Wizards, ugh) as well as Frodo and Sam, and then we'll only be seeing Arwen and Theodred for like... 5 seconds in a few chapters. Sorry.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright! New year. Our OG group has become seniors.
> 
> Introducing some new characters (from a separate GC fic that I have half-written but can't figure out how to post as a series with this one, so I suppose I just won't post it at all) and some new relationships. Get ready for a long chapter.
> 
> Aragorn: KingOfNewYork  
> Boromir: ShotThroughTheHeart  
> Gimli: Mufasa  
> Legolas: MarijuanaBoy  
> Merry: MerryChrysler  
> Pippin: TookYaLongEnough
> 
> Arwen: LikeADiamond  
> Eomer: HorseHoe  
> Eowyn: CantCook  
> Faramir: WhereverYouAramir  
> Theodred: Theodead

**TookYaLongEnough:** I’m not fuckngready for today

**TookYaLongEnough:** these teachers better not give me 20 assignments all in the first week I swear to god

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** i feel that

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I’ve had 7 shots of esprso so far my hands a re shakig so baad but I’m still no t awke

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** someone give me their coffee

**MarijuanaBoy:** that’s not healthy firework

**MarijuanaBoy:** you might have a heart attack

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** GLADLY

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I NEED CAFFEINE

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I’d even take the sugar milk you drink Legolas

**MarijuanaBoy:** I literally hate you

**KingOfNewYork:** He’s been given coffee, hopefully that’ll satisfy him for now

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** this is fucking decaf

**KingOfNewYork:** oh is it? Unfortunate

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** </3

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** babe I trusted you

**KingOfNewYork:** a terrible idea, really

**KingOfNewYork:** rule number one; never trust anyone

**MarijuanaBoy:** Ty for your wisdom mr hobo man

**TookYaLongEnough:** DJAKAJSBBFBD MR HOBO MAN

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** my head hurts

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I’ve been poisoned

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** remember me

**KingOfNewYork:** he fell asleep

**KingOfNewYork:** there are few things I’m surprised at these days, but my boyfriend falling asleep after having 7 shots of espresso would be one of them

**KingOfNewYork:** they weren’t even in coffee it was straight shots of espresso, I watched him do it

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** you did one too DoNt put this all on me

**KingOfNewYork:** fair enough

**MerryChrysler:** anyone else want apple pie or is it just me

**MerryChrysler:** I know a sophomore who can’t cook for shit but her brother makes apple pie and it’s the best I’ve ever had

**MerryChrysler:** I should add them to the chat

**TookYaLongEnough:** we should add the whole Eored to the chat

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** tf is an eored

**KingOfNewYork:** cavalry of Rohan, the entirety of the army was called the Eorlingas but each battalion was called Eoreds

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** why do you know so much about that

**KingOfNewYork:** horses

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** oh okay gotcha

**MerryChrysler:** yeah ima just add the Eored if anyone has any objections speak now or suffer forever

**MarijuanaBoy:** bring it on

**MarijuanaBoy:** add to our chaos

**Mufasa:** go for it

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** sure why not

**_MerryChrysler added Eomer Eadig, Eowyn Eadig, Faramir Tirith, Arwen Undomiel, and Theodred Marshall to the chat_ **

**_TookYaLongEnough changed Eomer Eadig’s name to HorseHoe_ **

**_MerryChrysler changed Eowyn Eadig’s name to CantCook_ **

**_TookYaLongEnough changed Faramir Tirith’s name to WhereverYouAramir_ **

**_MerryChrysler changed Theodred Marshall’s name to Theodead_ **

**_TookYaLongEnough changed Arwen Undomiel’s name to LikeADiamond_ **

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** Faramir wtf

**WhereverYouAramir:** Hello?

**HorseHoe:** glad we finally cleared up the confusion with my name in the other chat then

**HorseHoe:** idk if I like this more or if it’s worse

**CantCook:** I liked the pun better in my old one but I can’t argue with the truth of this

**LikeADiamond:** Hello, all.

**KingOfNewYork:** hey Arwen

**LikeADiamond:** Oh hello, Aragorn! How are you today?

**KingOfNewYork:** you saw me an hour ago but okay

**KingOfNewYork:** I’m alright, you?

**LikeADiamond:** I am quite well, as well.

**LikeADiamond:** Whether I saw you an hour ago or not, it is still nice to talk to you. I prefer you over Elladan or Elrohir, you know this.

**KingOfNewYork:** likewise

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I’m still confused

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** merry how did you even get my brother’s number

**WhereverYouAramir:** Boromir? I thought that was you

**WhereverYouAramir:** they lifted it from your phone I think

**WhereverYouAramir:** at least, that’s what they said when they made the other chat

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** merry you literally could have just asked instead of stealing my phone and somehow getting through the password

**MerryChrysler:** don’t look at me, it was Pippin

**TookYaLongEnough:** fuc u merry

**TookYaLongEnough:** your password is really predictable tho Boromir

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** hhh now I need to change it

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I’m too tired for that now, do you even know how long it took me to memorize it

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I couldnt unlock my phone for a week after I set the last one

**WhereverYouAramir:** it’s true, and I found it hilarious

**HorseHoe:** I’ve done that

**Theodead:** who even are y’all

**Theodead:** why am I here

**Theodead:** what is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything

**Theodead:** what is your name

**Theodead:** what is your quest

**Theodead:** what is your favorite color

**Theodead:** what is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow

**KingOfNewYork:** African or European

**Theodead:** I don’t know- AAAAHHHH

**MarijuanaBoy:** 42

**Theodead:** alright I’ve found trustworthy people

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** bottle blonde is everything but trustworthy don’t ever make the mistake of trusting him with anything

**MarijuanaBoy:** fuck you firework

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** no ty I have a boyfriend

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** you aren’t my type anyways sorry blondie

**MerryChrysler:** don’t be rude my friends, introduce yourselves

**MerryChrysler:** all of you

**HorseHoe:** why

**MerryChrysler:** bc I’ll cry if you don’t

**MerryChrysler:** right here in calculus I will cry

**HorseHoe:** okay okay don’t cry please

**Mufasa:** give us your name and he won’t, horseboy

**HorseHoe:** am I being threatened

**HorseHoe:** if you wanna fight let’s fight

**Mufasa:** fine meet me behind the school then tough guy

**Mufasa:** I’ll teach you a thing or two about the school food chain

**Mufasa:** seniors are the apex predators in this, my guy, you’re a little mouse compared to me

**HorseHoe:** who tf even are you

**Mufasa:** Gimli Cavin, you dick

**HorseHoe:** oh so you’re the short ginger

**HorseHoe:** you barely come up to my shoulder

**HorseHoe:** nvm man I wouldn’t want to hurt someone who can’t even reach the tallest shelf

**CantCook:** you can’t either Eomer stfu

**HorseHoe:** EOWYN IM IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHING TY

**WhereverYouAramir:** he’s attempting to establish himself as the alpha male in this situation, Eowyn

**WhereverYouAramir:** it isn’t working too well but he doesn’t have to know that

**HorseHoe:** AAAAAHHHHHH

**MarijuanaBoy:** try to hurt my boyfriend and I snap your fingers backwards before you can even throw a punch

**MarijuanaBoy:** do not test me horse girl

**KingOfNewYork:** Legolas I think we’ve been in this situation before and need I remind you, you might be strong but you are actively attempting to fight stronger guys who play competitive sports involving that strength

**KingOfNewYork:** never fight a soccer player, or a jockey

**MarijuanaBoy:** I’m about two seconds from stealing all the weed from your house and burying it in a pile of dog shit

**KingOfNewYork:** Nvm fight away, don’t let me tell you what to do

**MarijuanaBoy:** ty

**MerryChrysler:** this is chaotic

**MerryChrysler:** I want popcorn for this

**TookYaLongEnough:** I’m so glad I accidentally turned my phone on silent today because this chat is blowing up

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** yo someone stop these two dumbasses before they actually fight each other

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** @CantCook get your brother, he can’t fight Gimli

**CantCook:** on it

**CantCook:** Eomer I’m about to forge a love note for Grima Wyrmtongue in your handwriting, if you don’t stop trying to fight the seniors I’ll be forced to put it into Wyrmtongue’s locker

**HorseHoe:** Eowyn what the fuck

**HorseHoe:** I literally hate you sometimes

**CantCook:** aw love you too dearest brother of mine

**Mufasa:** we cool?

**HorseHoe:** yeah we’re cool srry man

**Mufasa:** all good dw

**MarijuanaBoy:** fuckin sophomores

**Theodead:** not all of us are that stupid

**Theodead:** my cousin’s brain is 95% pictures of horses, 2.5% speech, and 0.5% common sense

**KingOfNewYork:** that’s only 98%

**Theodead:** he’s got limited brain cells, that’s the best he can do

**Theodead:** faramir has the other 2% for a total of 105%, since he has 1% of eowyn’s and 2% of boromir’s too

**HorseHoe:** my Brian cells are fine ty

**HorseHoe:** fuck autocorrect what even is your purpose anymore

**CantCook:** you still have autocorrect on?

**CantCook:** are you even gay bro

**HorseHoe:** there are different types of gays Eowyn

**HorseHoe:** like the 2/3 talents thing, there’s one for typing as well

**HorseHoe:** I have good grammar and I use autocorrect, but I can’t spell

**HorseHoe:** just like I can drive and I can cook but I can’t do math

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I hear that

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** can’t do math for shit but I can drive pretty well

**KingOfNewYork:** Boromir you drive like you’re in a car chase with 20 police behind you

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** yeah that’s good driving in my book

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I’ve gotten to places in 15 minutes when it should’ve taken 45

**KingOfNewYork:** you’re going to get arrested

**KingOfNewYork:** and I will hopefully not be in the car when you do

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** ;-; are you refusing to drive anywhere with me

**KingOfNewYork:** only if I’m the one driving

**MarijuanaBoy:** your driving is bad too don’t even

**Mufasa:** it’s not THAT bad

**Mufasa:** not as bad as Boromir’s

**MarijuanaBoy:** they’ve both made me carsick

**Mufasa:** I’ve made you carsick

**MarijuanaBoy:** bad driving

**MarijuanaBoy:** all of you are bad driving gays

**MerryChrysler:** false I can’t do math or cook, by process of elimination driving has to be the only thing im good at

**TookYaLongEnough:** same

**KingOfNewYork:** I’m gonna be honest here, I didn’t even know you two had drivers licenses

**MerryChrysler:** we don’t

**MerryChrysler:** but no one has to know that

**HorseHoe:** obviously illegality aside, I think Eowyn is the only other person who can drive well here

**HorseHoe:** aside from me

**HorseHoe:** and maybe Arwen

**Theodead:** I’d be offended that you didn’t include me in that but then I’d be lying to myself

**KingOfNewYork:** under no circumstances should Arwen have a car

**LikeADiamond:** I can drive, excuse you.

**LikeADiamond:** Very well, in fact. You just don’t like it because I actually follow the rules of the road, unlike someone I know.

**KingOfNewYork:** you drive like a grandma

**LikeADiamond:** You drive like Boromir, except perhaps a little slower. Only a little slower.

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I feel like I’m being targeted by everyone and I don’t appreciate it

**MarijuanaBoy:** good die

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** WOW OKAY

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I’m too tired for this fuck all you

**KingOfNewYork:** he turned his phone off and pulled up his hoodie

**KingOfNewYork:** the teacher is giving him a very unimpressed look and idk if I should do something or just watch this play out

**MerryChrysler:** watch it

**MerryChrysler:** which class are you in

**KingOfNewYork:** environmental science

**KingOfNewYork:** with mr brown

**MerryChrysler:** yooooo mr brown

**MerryChrysler:** that guy is so crazy

**TookYaLongEnough:** I love him

**TookYaLongEnough:** he’s almost as cool as mr trebard

**KingOfNewYork:** well he doesn’t seem to really care about Boromir being Boromir so I guess that was about as dramatic as it gets

**MarijuanaBoy:** doesnt mr brown have a squirrel

**MarijuanaBoy:** like a genuine pet squirrel

**MarijuanaBoy:** or was it a hedgehog

**KingOfNewYork:** both, the squirrel is climbing around in a series of tunnel things above our heads and the hedgehog is chillin on his desk

**MarijuanaBoy:** what a chaotic man

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I wonder what I’d have to do to pet the hedgehog

**MerryChrysler:** lucky for you pip and I already asked that

**TookYaLongEnough:** he gave us a riddle after taking our phones and said we had to get it right to pet him

**TookYaLongEnough:** if we did get it and then we gave HIM a riddle and he couldnt answer it, Sebastian could sit on one of our desks for the entire class

**MerryChrysler:** we haven’t been able to do either yet

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I suck at riddles but I’m willing to try anyways

**KingOfNewYork:** you’ve got this

**MarijuanaBoy:** I mean how hard can it really be

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** okay what the fuck is this

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** my thunder comes before lightning, my lightning comes before the clouds, my rain dries the land it touches, what am I?

**MerryChrysler:** uhhhhhh fire

**TookYaLongEnough:** drought???

**WhereverYouAramir:** it’s a volcano

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** it’s a goddamn volcano yes I’m done with this class

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I NEED MORE COFFEE

**KingOfNewYork:** no you’re gonna hurt yourself

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I’m gonna hurt SOMEONE if I don’t get caffeine that’s for sure

**KingOfNewYork:** you’re addicted stop

**WhereverYouAramir:** what he said you’re addicted

**HorseHoe:** you are literally no better don’t even

**WhereverYouAramir:** shhh

**ShotThroughTheHeart:** I’m getting more coffee and there’s nothing you can do to stop me

**KingOfNewYork:** Except stop you. Which I can do.

**_ShotThroughTheHeart left the chat_ **

  
**MarijuanaBoy:** and y’all call ME a drama queen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah if anyone can tell me how the hell I post works as a series, pls I beg of you give me your knowledge. I've attempted to figure it out at least 10 times and never get it right.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am introducing a new (and very rare) ship. There are not enough works with this pairing, even though it is absolutely amazing.
> 
> Don't gimme that "they didn't meet in canon" stuff, of course they did. There is no way they couldn't have met in canon.
> 
> Aragorn: KingOfNewYork  
> Boromir: FranklyMyDear  
> Gimli: Mufasa  
> Legolas: MarijuanaBoy  
> Merry: MerryChrysler  
> Pippin: TookYaLongEnough
> 
> Arwen: LikeADiamond  
> Eomer: HorseHoe  
> Eowyn: CantCook  
> Faramir: WhereverYouAramir  
> Theodred: Theodead

**_KingOfNewYork added Boromir Tirith to the chat_ **

**_KingOfNewYork changed Boromir Tirith’s name to FranklyMyDear_ **

**FranklyMyDear:** oml Gone With The Wind

**FranklyMyDear:** you know me so well

**KingOfNewYork:** you’ve only made me watch it 4 times

**FranklyMyDear:** I don’t see your point

**MerryChrysler:** isn’t that a 2-part film

**MerryChrysler:** and isn’t each part like 3 hours long

**FranklyMyDear:** yes and

**MerryChrysler:** nvm nvm don’t worry ab it

**TookYaLongEnough:** I feel your pain Aragorn

**TookYaLongEnough:** merry keeps making me watch a bunch of movies and they’re all so long

**TookYaLongEnough:** he should know by now that I don’t have a long enough attention span for that

**MerryChrysler:** they aren’t that long???

**MerryChrysler:** ffs pip it’s Star Trek

**TookYaLongEnough:** it’s boring

**HorseHoe:** is it the one with Chris pine or the one with sir Patrick

**MerryChrysler:** Chris pine

**HorseHoe:** hot man

**HorseHoe:** very pretty

**CantCook:** god you’re gay

**HorseHoe:** yes and

**WhereverYouAramir:** to be fair, Chris Pine is very pretty

**WhereverYouAramir:** and I think he might be pretty even to those who are cishet men

**FranklyMyDear:** you’re like 12 years old stop looking at guys like that

**WhereverYouAramir:** I’m 15???

**FranklyMyDear:** 8

**FranklyMyDear:** my baby brother

**FranklyMyDear:** little bro

**WhereverYouAramir:** I’m also almost as tall as you

**FranklyMyDear:** baby

**FranklyMyDear:** brother

**HorseHoe:** dw faramir, eowyn does the same thing to me and I’m way taller than her

**CantCook:** you are giving yourself WAY too much credit rn eomer

**HorseHoe:** it’s true tho

**HorseHoe:** you’re so short

**CantCook:** I’m gonna drop a frog into your bed tonight

**CantCook:** or maybe a spider

**CantCook:** or a rat

**HorseHoe:** don’t you fucking dare

**HorseHoe:** no rats

**HorseHoe:** idc about the other things but no rats eowyn

**KingOfNewYork:** rats?

**KingOfNewYork:** you’re scared of rats?

**HorseHoe:** they’re feral little fucks

**HorseHoe:** a possum’s slightly less demented cousin

**FranklyMyDear:** oh so it’s possums too

**FranklyMyDear:** what about squirrels?

**CantCook:** he hates them

**HorseHoe:** eowyn oml stop

**CantCook:** it all stems from when a squirrel grabbed food right out of his hands at a fair when he was 7 and now he hates them all

**HorseHoe:** EOWYN HAS A PHOBIA OF CORN CHIPS

**CantCook:** WHAT THE FUCK EOMER I TOLD YOU THAT IN CONFIDENCE

**MerryChrysler:** AJDBDBAKSH CORN CHIPS

**MerryChrysler:** that has got to be the best phobia ever

**WhereverYouAramir:** boromir is scared of house flies

**WhereverYouAramir:** and also he’s really bad with horror movies

**FranklyMyDear:** that’s it you’re no longer getting the extra pudding from my lunch

**WhereverYouAramir:** wtf wait no I take it back

**WhereverYouAramir:** he’s not scared of angtbing ever hes too brave for that give me the damn pudding

**FranklyMyDear:** NO SWEARING YOURE 7

**WhereverYouAramir:** I’ve noticed you continue to lower the number every time I do something mature.

**WhereverYouAramir:** I dislike that.

**FranklyMyDear:** you’ll get the pudding if you stop swearing

**WhereverYouAramir:** deal

**KingOfNewYork:** so that’s why you never agree to watch horror movies with me

**FranklyMyDear:** I’m not scared of them

**FranklyMyDear:** I just don’t like them

**FranklyMyDear:** the people in them are stupid and always get murdered while they’re being stupid

**FranklyMyDear:** the murderers and monsters are cliche and totally not scary

**FranklyMyDear:** I mean killer clowns? Really? Wasn’t that smth that happened in 2016

**KingOfNewYork:** because of IT coming out yeah

**FranklyMyDear:** IT is stupid

**KingOfNewYork:** well then I’m sure you won’t mind watching IT so you can point out all the dumb stuff in IT?

**FranklyMyDear:** that’s IT you’re sleeping on the couch for forever

**KingOfNewYork:** damn

**MerryChrysler:** so you were in fact sleeping in the same bed

**FranklyMyDear:** no merry we’re 18 we haven’t even graduated high school we don’t have our own place(s) yet

**KingOfNewYork:** you surrreee you don’t want to watch a scary movie? Not even Scream?

**FranklyMyDear:** does it contain dumb decisions and a stupid murderer

**KingOfNewYork:** if you’re asking if it’s scary then no not really

**KingOfNewYork:** very lowkey and more of a thriller than a horror

**FranklyMyDear:** ....fine

**FranklyMyDear:** but only because it’s Halloween

**WhereverYouAramir:** have fun

**WhereverYouAramir:** anyone else wanna do smth while these two are being gay

**HorseHoe:** ...wanna be gay somewhere else?

**WhereverYouAramir:** yeah sure

**HorseHoe:** k

**HorseHoe:** there’s a cafe I like downtown if you wanna get smth

**WhereverYouAramir:** sounds good

**WhereverYouAramir:** meet you after school?

**HorseHoe:** yeah I’ll drive

**FranklyMyDear:** did I just witness you ask my brother out

**CantCook:** that was gay

**HorseHoe:** suddenly I can’t read

**HorseHoe:** and there’s the bell haha I’m late for chemistry bye

**WhereverYouAramir:** what he said

**MerryChrysler:** awww they grow up so fast

**FranklyMyDear:** too fast

**FranklyMyDear:** he’s not allowed to do that ever

**KingOfNewYork:** you’re gonna have to let him do something sooner or later

**KingOfNewYork:** he’s 15, he’s figuring out his sexuality

**FranklyMyDear:** sksnddbs but

**FranklyMyDear:** he’s my BABY BROTHER

**TookYaLongEnough:** sometimes you just gotta let the chick leave the nest boromir

**TookYaLongEnough:** other times you have to shove it out like a coocoo bird

**TookYaLongEnough:** either way it’s gotta leave so it can learn to fly

**MerryChrysler:** that was surprisingly wise for someone so unbelievably stupid

**TookYaLongEnough:** hey you’re just as dumb as I am

**MerryChrysler:** yeah fair

**FranklyMyDear:** I’m gonna have to kick horse boy’s ass won’t I

**CantCook:** do not

**CantCook:** his name is eomer btw and he’s a very nice guy

**FranklyMyDear:** isn’t he your brother

**FranklyMyDear:** pretty sure that’s biased

**CantCook:** what like you wouldn’t say the same thing about Faramir?

**FranklyMyDear:** touché

**FranklyMyDear:** so his name is eomer and he’s a sophomore then

**FranklyMyDear:** taller than gimli though that isn’t too hard

**Mufasa:** oi

**Mufasa:** i’d be offended if it wasn’t true

**MarijuanaBoy:** my short king <3

**FranklyMyDear:** I’m gonna say blonde and a jock

**FranklyMyDear:** but not a tackle game like rugby, he rides horses as a sport

**FranklyMyDear:** therefore good core and leg muscles but not so much in the shoulders

**FranklyMyDear:** bit of a hothead, but doesn’t seem like he fights dirty

**FranklyMyDear:** therefore I could theoretically destroy him

**MerryChrysler:** damn that was some Sherlock shit

**MerryChrysler:** you know you’re very smart when you try

**FranklyMyDear:** I’m smart all the time tyvm

**KingOfNewYork:** except you’re not exactly right

**KingOfNewYork:** I’ve met eomer before in the hallways and he’s actually pretty broad, shoulder-wise and arm-wise

**KingOfNewYork:** could rival you, love

**KingOfNewYork:** aside from that you’re right

**FranklyMyDear:** you’ve met him

**FranklyMyDear:** could you

**FranklyMyDear:** could you introduce me to him

**FranklyMyDear:** just so I can see with my own eyes the rat trying to date my brother

**KingOfNewYork:** you know what

**KingOfNewYork:** I was gonna say no but I know you’re going to pester me about it until I physically make you stop

**MerryChrysler:** gross

**KingOfNewYork:** so sure I’ll introduce you

**KingOfNewYork:** if you try to fight him while I’m there though I’m not helping you

**FranklyMyDear:** I won’t need help dw

**CantCook:** it really sounds like you’re making plans to jump my brother

**CantCook:** I don’t like this

**Theodead:** I think it’s funny

**Theodead:** I’m gonna walk with eomer to every class now just so I can see what happens when they finally meet

**CantCook:** damn I guess I have to do that too

**CantCook:** oi tirith if you attack my brother I will pepper spray you got it

**FranklyMyDear:** has anyone ever told you how scary you are

**FranklyMyDear:** I don’t even KNOW you and you’re scary

**CantCook:** my reputation precedes me

**TookYaLongEnough:** but I have to laugh

**MerryChrysler:** sir?

**KingOfNewYork:** Hamilton how come no one can get you on their staff

**CantCook:** sir!

**KingOfNewYork:** don’t get me wrong, you’re a young man of great renown

**TookYaLongEnough:** I know you stole British canons when we were still downtown

**MerryChrysler:** Nathaniel Green AND Henry Knox wanted to hire you

**CantCook:** to be their secretary I DONT THINK SO

**MarijuanaBoy:** now why are you upset

**CantCook:** I’m not

**KingOfNewYork:** it’s alright you want to fight, you’ve got a hunger

**Mufasa:** I was just like you when I was younger

**FranklyMyDear:** head full of fantasies of dying like a martyr

**CantCook:** yes

**MerryChrysler:** dying is EASY young man living? Is HARDER

**CantCook:** w h y are you telling me this

**TookYaLongEnough:** I’m being honest I’m working with a third of what our congress has promised

**MarijuanaBoy:** we are a powder keg about to explode I need someone like you to lighten the load

**Mufasa:** so?

**CantCook:** I AM NOT THROWING AWAY MY SHOT

**TookYaLongEnough:** SON WE ARE OUTGUNNED OUTMANNED

**CantCook:** WE NEED ALL THE HELP WE CAN GET I HAVE SOME FRIENDS LAURENS MULLIGAN MARQUIS DE LAFAYETTE OKAY WHAT ELSE

**MerryChrysler:** OUTNUMBERED OUTPLANNED

**CantCook:** WE NEED SOME SPIES ON THE INSIDE SOME KING’S MEN WHO MIGHT LET SOME THINGS SLIDE

**CantCook:** ILL WRITE TO CONGRESS AND TELL THEM WE NEED SUPPLIES RALLY THE GUYS MASTER THE ELEMENT OF SURPRISE

**CantCook:** ILL RISE ABOVE MY STATION ORGANIZE TOUR INFORMATION UNTIL WE RISE TO THE OCCASION OF OUR NEW NATION SIR

**FranklyMyDear:** HERE COMES THE GENERAL

**TookYaLongEnough:** RISE UP

**FranklyMyDear:** HERE COMES THE GENERAL

**MerryChrysler:** RISE UP

**FranklyMyDear:** HERE COMES TE GENERAL

**KingOfNewYork:** RISE UP

**Mufasa:** RISE UP

**MarijuanaBoy:** HERE COMES THE GENERAL

**CantCook:** AND HIS RIGHT HAND MAN

**MerryChrysler:** how does a bastard orphan, son of a whore, go on and outgrow into more of a phenomenon

**TookYaLongEnough:** watch this obnoxious, arrogant, loud-mouthed bother be seated at the right hand of the father

**FranklyMyDear:** Washington hires Hamilton right on sight, but Hamilton still wants to fight not write

**KingOfNewYork:** Hamilton’s skill with the quill is undeniable but what do we have in common?

**FranklyMyDear:** we’re reliable with the GUYYYYYSS

**CantCook:** LADIESSSS

**MerryChrysler:** NO ONE

  
**TookYaLongEnough:** what

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just made key lime pie for Thanksgiving and honestly? Best pie ever. No idea what all the hype is about for pumpkin pie, key lime and lemon merengue are definitely better.
> 
> Also, the part about Eowyn being afraid of corn chips? Yeah, that's what my cousin is afraid of. She has a phobia of corn chips. No idea why. I debated including it at first because then I'd be relating Eowyn to said cousin, who normally I love and would be happy to compare to a lovely badass woman, but rn not so much. Decided to keep it in because it's funny.
> 
> But Cousin, stop fucking ghosting me, it's been 4 goddamn weeks and I'm tired of it. You've been demoted from Sister status to That One Relative At Family Reunions That Everyone Avoids. Aka, you're Lobelia Sackville-Baggins now instead of the Elladan to my Elrohir. Fuck you.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly shorter chapter. We'll do a big one for Thanksgiving. 
> 
> I am getting dangerously close to the end of what I've written so far, I need to find more material.
> 
> Aragorn: KingOfNewYork  
> Boromir: FranklyMyDear  
> Gimli: Mufasa  
> Legolas: MarijuanaBoy  
> Merry: MerryChrysler  
> Pippin: TookYaLongEnough
> 
> Arwen: LikeADiamond  
> Eomer: HorseHoe  
> Eowyn: CantCook  
> Faramir: WhereverYouAramir  
> Theodred: Theodead

**WhereverYouAramir:** GUYYYYYSSS

  


**HorseHoe:** EVERYONEEEE

  


**KingOfNewYork:** welcome back from your date

  


**WhereverYouAramir:** haven’t gone on it yet school just ended

**WhereverYouAramir:** eomer where the hell are you

  


**HorseHoe:** omw dw dw

**HorseHoe:** haven’t laid you off

  


**FranklyMyDear:** You’d better not have.

**FranklyMyDear:** I will remove your kneecaps if you do.

  


**HorseHoe:** idk if that was supposed to be intimidating or not I’m confused

  


**FranklyMyDear:** You won’t be confused when I fucking pulverize your knees with a sledgehammer, blondie. I am permitting one (1) date with my brother. One. You treat him right, and you MIGHT be allowed another. Of course, that’s depending on whether Faramir wants another date with you.

  


**MerryChrysler:** that is the longest text I’ve ever seen you do that had completely proper grammar and shit

**MerryChrysler:** scary

  


**TookYaLongEnough:** spooky

  


**KingOfNewYork:** hot

  


**MerryChrysler:** I- sir

  


**TookYaLongEnough:** *eyes*

  


**FranklyMyDear:** <3

  


**WhereverYouAramir:** ew stop get a room

**WhereverYouAramir:** boromir you can’t decide shit like that for me though

**WhereverYouAramir:** I’m not 8, I’m a sophomore in high school

**WhereverYouAramir:** treat me like I am or it’ll be YOUR kneecaps getting crushed with a sledgehammer

  


**FranklyMyDear:** ....

**FranklyMyDear:** be honest how much anxiety did doing that give you just now

  


**WhereverYouAramir:** way too much

  


**FranklyMyDear:** sigh

**FranklyMyDear:** fine whatever

**FranklyMyDear:** I do this out of love you know that right

  


**WhereverYouAramir:** duh

**WhereverYouAramir:** that’s basically your only motive for doing anything ever

**WhereverYouAramir:** it’s always either love or rage, no inbetween

  


**FranklyMyDear:** oi

  


**KingOfNewYork:** he’s not wrong

  


**HorseHoe:** so this means my knees are safe then?

  


**FranklyMyDear:** for now

  


**HorseHoe:** thank Jeff goldblum

  


**MerryChrysler:** jeffy-boy

**MerryChrysler:** the goldmeister

  


**HorseHoe:** yes him, overlord of existence

  


**WhereverYouAramir:** remind me why I’m dating him please

  


**HorseHoe:** ):

  


**WhereverYouAramir:** why are your emoticons backwards

  


**HorseHoe:** D:

  


**WhereverYouAramir:** stop that

  


**HorseHoe:** DDDD:

  


**WhereverYouAramir:** No.

  


**HorseHoe:** (:

  


**WhereverYouAramir:** fffs goddamn it

**WhereverYouAramir:** (:

  


**FranklyMyDear:** this is entertaining, as much as I hate it

  


**TookYaLongEnough:** reminds me of Aragorn and boromir tbh

  


**FranklyMyDear:** BITCH

  


**KingOfNewYork:** no no he’s got a point

  


**FranklyMyDear:** :(

  


**KingOfNewYork:** <3

**KingOfNewYork:** stop texting keep your eyes on the road please

  


**FranklyMyDear:** fine

  


**MerryChrysler:** texting and driving

**MerryChrysler:** with YOUR driving skills?

  


**TookYaLongEnough:** recipe for death

  


**KingOfNewYork:** stfu and stop distracting my boyfriend I’m trying not to die in a car crash before I reach college


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this was late! I spent all day cooking and then all day eating and I've only just been able to do anything. 
> 
> Never eat 2 slices of pie immediately after stuffing yourself like the turkey on the table. It doesn't end well.
> 
> WARNING: Never ever ever ever take redbull (or any energy drink/caffeine substance) with anxiety medication. That shit will fuck you up. Have I done that before? Absolutely not. What happens in this chapter is not from personal experience, it is a mix of what I'd imagine happens and some research on the effects. DO NOT DO IT!!
> 
> Aragorn: KingOfNewYork  
> Boromir: FranklyMyDear  
> Eomer: HorseHoe  
> Eowyn: CantCook - ScaryLady  
> Faramir: WhereverYouAramir  
> Merry: MerryChrysler  
> Pippin: TookYaLongEnough

**MerryChrysler:** take NyQuil and DayQuil together to great Quil

**FranklyMyDear:** quil?

**TookYaLongEnough:** Quil™: all the time all the time

**WhereverYouAramir:** take anxiety meds and redbull together to create SLOWFAST™

**WhereverYouAramir:** SlowFast™: it feels incredibly Bad

**FranklyMyDear:** have you actually done that wait

**WhereverYouAramir:** I Am Currently Doing That

**WhereverYouAramir:** It Is Not Friendly Feeling

**FranklyMyDear:** oh my god

**KingOfNewYork:** how are you alive rn

**WhereverYouAramir:** Good Question No Answer Head Empty Yet Not

**CantCook:** elevator music behind eyes

**MerryChrysler:** don’t they just cancel each other out

**WhereverYouAramir:** No.

**WhereverYouAramir:** they’re both working Very Very Much right now and I cannot stop it.

**FranklyMyDear:** I’d be angry if I weren’t worried about you having a fucking heart attack

**WhereverYouAramir:** I think I’m okay????

**WhereverYouAramir:** if I have one you will be the First to Know

**TookYaLongEnough:** so how close are you to fighting Eru right now

**WhereverYouAramir:** So Very Close

**WhereverYouAramir:** spiritually I’m in a Denny’s parking lot about to fistfight him

**WhereverYouAramir:** physically I *might* be in math

**CantCook:** you are in math yes, I’m right next to you

**WhereverYouAramir:** are you

**CantCook:** yes I’ve been talking to you this whole time, look to your right

**CantCook:** no honey that’s your left

**FranklyMyDear:** eowyn please make sure my brother doesn’t die

**FranklyMyDear:** I would be extremely displeased if he did

**CantCook:** I will do my best to protect this idiot

**KingOfNewYork:** right well that’s an adventure

**KingOfNewYork:** thankfully lunch is in 5 minutes so if you just come to the cafeteria then we can make sure no one has any heart attacks or strokes

**WhereverYouAramir:** is this what a stroke feels like?

**WhereverYouAramir:** or maybe I’m already dead and this is what being a ghost feels like

**FranklyMyDear:** you’re a disaster

**KingOfNewYork:** what boromir means by that is ‘I love you and you’re really scaring me’

**FranklyMyDear:** skdbdbak ARAGORN PLEASE

**FranklyMyDear:** STOP MKINGNME LOOK LAME IN FRONT OF THE SOPHOMORES

**KingOfNewYork:** Oops.

**HorseHoe:** why do I feel like that was the most sarcastic and monotonous “oops” ever

**KingOfNewYork:** it was

**WhereverYouAramir:** I never want to drink redbull again ever

**WhereverYouAramir:** I feel like I’m having 20 anxiety attacks at once

**WhereverYouAramir:** there are so many alarm bells in my brain

**CantCook:** you look really spaced out rn

**CantCook:** we’re almost to the cafeteria

**FranklyMyDear:** idk whether to punch you or hug you so I’m going to go with the latter option because I love you

**WhereverYouAramir:** THANKS?

**MerryChrysler:** this is an experience

**MerryChrysler:** I’m looking up what to do about this and I’ve got nothin

**MerryChrysler:** no solutions but a list of side effects

**MerryChrysler:** increased anxiety, high blood pressure, irregular heart beats, paranoia, sleep and appetite changes, balance issues, just general fucked-uppiness

**WhereverYouAramir:** sounds aboutrig ht

**KingOfNewYork:** you should go to the nurse probably

**FranklyMyDear:** YES

**FranklyMyDear:** I’m taking you to the nurse after lunch but for lunch you’re drinking a ton of water and eating so many crackers/bread to soak up whatever the fuck that mixture was

**FranklyMyDear:** should work like you’re drunk

**WhereverYouAramir:** being drunk would be preferable to This Hell

**WhereverYouAramir:** boromir I want to have a pet crow

**WhereverYouAramir:** or a raven

**WhereverYouAramir:** I’m going to accumulate an army of crows by giving them shiny things and food and then they will love me

**FranklyMyDear:** the fuck

**FranklyMyDear:** I mean yeah sure I guess we could do that

**WhereverYouAramir:** no we only me

**WhereverYouAramir:** I am the only Crowverlord

**HorseHoe:** I like the pun

**WhereverYouAramir:** Thank You I Attributed Most Of My Remaining Functioning Intellectual Abilities Into Formulating It

**HorseHoe:** haha cool

**HorseHoe:** big words hot

**FranklyMyDear:** Do not.

**HorseHoe:** big words mildly attractive for fear of getting murdered by Elder Tirith

**FranklyMyDear:** Better.

**KingOfNewYork:** lunch isn’t over for another 45 minutes, Faramir, finish the water and take a nap

**WhereverYouAramir:** Okay Dad

**KingOfNewYork:** that

**KingOfNewYork:** I am undecided on how i feel about that

**KingOfNewYork:** go to sleep

**CantCook:** I want a nap too can someone wake me up 5 minutes before the bell

**KingOfNewYork:** yeah sure

**CantCook:** thanks dad

**KingOfNewYork:** interesting

**FranklyMyDear:** didn’t know we had children but okay

**MerryChrysler:** tf you mean pippin and I have always been your kids

**TookYaLongEnough:** yeah

**FranklyMyDear:** oh alright okay

**FranklyMyDear:** so was anyone gonna tell me this or was I just supposed to find out myself

**MerryChrysler:** we just told you

**FranklyMyDear:** yes thank you

**FranklyMyDear:** very helpful

**HorseHoe:** why can’t I have kids

**CantCook:** does Faramir want kids

**HorseHoe:** we’re 15 wyn we haven’t talked about that yet

**FranklyMyDear:** I hope the fuck you haven’t.

**WhereverYouAramir:** I like children

**FranklyMyDear:** Go to sleep, you’re in no condition to talk about this seriously.

**WhereverYouAramir:** k fuck you

**FranklyMyDear:** That’s called incest and is not only very illegal, but also very disgusting.

**WhereverYouAramir:** I have never hated you more than I hate you at this specific moment

**FranklyMyDear:** </3

**WhereverYouAramir:** the hell is that

**KingOfNewYork:** It is a broken heart, since the heart emoticon is <3

**WhereverYouAramir:** oh okay

**WhereverYouAramir:** hey eomer

**WhereverYouAramir:** <3

**HorseHoe:** <3 bby

**FranklyMyDear:** I-

**FranklyMyDear:** IT HAS BEEN LESS THAN A DAY

**WhereverYouAramir:** oh oops that’s right you only found out yesterday

**WhereverYouAramir:** haha thasfunny

**FranklyMyDear:** found out about what yesterday

**WhereverYouAramir:** you know I think I’m gonna go to the nurse after all I’m not feeling too good

**WhereverYouAramir:** bye boromir

**HorseHoe:** don’t leave me to explain this???

**WhereverYouAramir:** I can’t hear you I’m leaving

**FranklyMyDear:** you haven’t moved from the table

**WhereverYouAramir:** shhhhh

**KingOfNewYork:** Something tells me I need to stay and provide a neutral inference on this

**KingOfNewYork:** Merry, Pippin, take Faramir to the nurse please

**MerryChrysler:** fuck now we get to miss this

**MerryChrysler:** as a favor pls have the entire resulting argument in the group chat so we don’t miss anything

**KingOfNewYork:** Actually, that’s a very good idea. Eomer, go to the other side of the cafeteria so there’s no risk of you getting murdered.

**HorseHoe:** OKAY YEAH ILL DO THAT BYE

**FranklyMyDear:** bold of you to assume the distance will stop me

**KingOfNewYork:** The distance won’t stop you, I will.

**FranklyMyDear:** damn

**CantCook:** this is entirely too entertaining

**CantCook:** I should not find this as funny as I do when it’s my brother getting threatened

**HorseHoe:** thanks so much wyn love you too

**FranklyMyDear** : Explain to me what the fuck you meant by ‘just found out yesterday’.

**HorseHoe:** right so uh

**HorseHoe:** I met Faramir at the start of 6th grade, we went to the same middle school

**HorseHoe:** and we were really good friends but then we lost track of each other in 8th grade because Eowyn and I had to move back up to Rohan to spend some time with family

**HorseHoe:** so when she and I moved back here and started high school, and I had some of the same classes as Faramir, we became friends again

**HorseHoe:** and also uh bit more than friends

**HorseHoe:** a lot more than friends actually

**FranklyMyDear:** This has been going on since your freshman year and no one told me about it.

**HorseHoe:** since 7th grade really, that’s when I realized I wasn’t straight and it was entirely because of him

**HorseHoe:** but then yeah 8th grade happened and I never got to act on that

**HorseHoe:** but then halfway into freshman year I couldn’t not tell Faramir and kind of askedhimtoprom

**FranklyMyDear:** So that’s why he was being sketchy in the weeks leading up to it, and why he disappeared when we got there.

**FranklyMyDear:** How did you avoid getting seen by literally any of my friends, or me?

**HorseHoe:** well Faramir wasn’t ready for you to know, yeah? He thought you’d be upset about it, and to be fair he was kind of right

**HorseHoe:** so we spent most of the time around the edge of the dance and then went and explored the school while the halls were empty

**HorseHoe:** it’s actually really cool what you can find when the hallways aren’t packed with people

**HorseHoe:** but yeah we’ve been officially together for about two years now sooooo

**FranklyMyDear:** Goddamn it

**WhereverYouAramir:** surpriseeeee

**WhereverYouAramir:** don’t kill meeeee

**WhereverYouAramir:** or eomer please

**FranklyMyDear:** I won’t dw

**FranklyMyDear:** I take it you don’t want dad to find out either

**WhereverYouAramir:** fuck no you know how he is, he barely tolerates you and Aragorn

**FranklyMyDear:** yeah

**MerryChrysler:** this is cute

**MerryChrysler:** the nurse doesn’t know what to do other than monitor him btw

**TookYaLongEnough:** she wanted to call your dad and I think all three of us were scared by that so we might’ve all shouted no at her

**KingOfNewYork:** you didn’t?

**TookYaLongEnough:** we did

**WhereverYouAramir:** we did

**WhereverYouAramir:** I shouted at a teacher

**FranklyMyDear:** she’s a nurse not a teacher

**WhereverYouAramir:** I shouted at an authority figure in the school who has powers to contact our father and also give me detention and also put the incident on my school record, therefore warning colleges that I have a supposed problem with authority because of said incident

**FranklyMyDear:** she won’t do that she’s cool

**TookYaLongEnough:** true she gave us lollipops

**WhereverYouAramir:** not me :(

**MerryChrysler:** she was worried about the sugar adding to SlowFast™ and actually giving you a heart attack

**WhereverYouAramir:** okay yeah that makes sense

**HorseHoe:** when you’re no longer at risk of dying I’ll take you out for ice cream

**WhereverYouAramir:** yessss

**CantCook:** me too? Plssss

**HorseHoe:** get your own ice cream I have limited money

**CantCook:** damn guess I gotta beat you up for your money now

**HorseHoe:** eowyn I love you so much but do not think for a single second that I won’t punch you for trying to take my goDDAMN MONEY

**CantCook:** you might be my twin but I am a woman of Rohan and I am no frail thing buddy-bitch

**MerryChrysler:** BUDDYBITCH IM CRYING

**HorseHoe:** fara back me up

**WhereverYouAramir:** nah you’re on your own here

**WhereverYouAramir:** unlike you I’ve accepted that eowyn could beat me in any fight no matter the stakes

**CantCook:** ty

**_MerryChrysler changed CantCook’s name to ScaryLady_ **

**ScaryLady:** an apt description, esquire merry

**MerryChrysler:** I’m an esquire now

**MerryChrysler:** pip look I’m an esquire

**TookYaLongEnough:** why can’t I be an esquire

**ScaryLady:** you aren’t of Rohan sorry pip

**TookYaLongEnough:** merry isn’t either he’s from the shire ;-;

**MerryChrysler:** it has already been decided that you’re from Gondor now

**KingOfNewYork:** since when

**MerryChrysler:** eored chat

**TookYaLongEnough:** oh wait I remember

**TookYaLongEnough:** knight of Gondor that’s right okay cool

**FranklyMyDear:** y’all just assigned each other titles and shit

**CantCook:** we did actually yes

**CantCook:** show some respect to the Queen of Rohan ye fucking peasants

**HorseHoe:** hail the Queen, may her horses never go lame

**HorseHoe:** for the first time I’ve realized that sounds sort of like a euphemism

**CantCook:** 3 days in the dungeon for whatever the hell that meant

**HorseHoe:** ):

**WhereverYouAramir:** see you in 3 days then

**HorseHoe:** wait you’re not gonna visit me in the dungeons or anything

**WhereverYouAramir:** absolutely not they’re no environment for a prince

**HorseHoe:** I’m a prince ;-;

**WhereverYouAramir:** can’t hear you sorry you’re in the dungeons try again in 3 days

**FranklyMyDear:** sounds kind of like ‘you’re sleeping on the couch’ except medieval

**FranklyMyDear:** my love, for invoking my ire you are spending 3 days in the dungeons

**KingOfNewYork:** what hast I done to invoke your ire, fair prince?

**FranklyMyDear:** nay, it is what you hast not done

**FranklyMyDear:** namely the fucking dishes

**FranklyMyDear:** guards take him away

**KingOfNewYork:** dont we have servants to do the dishes I thought we’re royalty

**FranklyMyDear:** you’re right nvm forgiven, guards unhand him

**MerryChrysler:** you’re weird

**MerryChrysler:** both of you

**FranklyMyDear:** we know

**FranklyMyDear:** so did you give everyone a title or just your chat

**TookYaLongEnough:** all y’all

**TookYaLongEnough:** mostly based off what your actual titles are/would be

**TookYaLongEnough:** basically Aragorn is the King of Gondor because obvious reasons, and then you’re the Steward

**MerryChrysler:** eomer would’ve been king of Rohan until we realized Rohan is matrilineal matriarchy not a patriarchy and also eowyn is older anyways so eowyn is the queen

**MerryChrysler:** making eomer the prince

**WhereverYouAramir:** and since merry and pippin have made up this entire fantasy realm in their minds about this, they’ve also decided that eomer and I are married despite being 15 so I’m also a prince through that

**FranklyMyDear:** the fuck

**MerryChrysler:** listen it’s not that bad

**MerryChrysler:** fantasy married

**MerryChrysler:** you’re married to Aragorn anyways

**KingOfNewYork:** wouldn’t boromir technically be King Consort instead of Steward then

**TookYaLongEnough:** he would except we know boromir and we know he’d want to actually have a job so we made him steward instead

**KingOfNewYork:** king consort is a job too???

**TookYaLongEnough:** is it

**TookYaLongEnough:** oh

**MerryChrysler:** well whatever no takebacks

**FranklyMyDear:** no no they’re right I’d rather be steward

**KingOfNewYork:** okay my love

**FranklyMyDear:** <3

**WhereverYouAramir:** that was awfully gay of you

**WhereverYouAramir:** eomer are you taking me home or am I getting a ride with boromir

**HorseHoe:** of course I’m taking you home bby I’ve done so for the past two years haven’t I

**FranklyMyDear:** wait really

**WhereverYouAramir:** yes dearest and most observant brother of mine, he has

**WhereverYouAramir:** how do you think I got home when you were off playing football

**FranklyMyDear:** I’ve never really thought about it and that is a massive error on my part oh my god

**FranklyMyDear:** you could’ve been getting rides home from serial killers and I wouldn’t have known

**FranklyMyDear:** AAAAHHHHHH

**FranklyMyDear:** EOMER EADIG YOURE NOT A SERIAL KILLER RIGHT

**HorseHoe:** how do you know my last name

**HorseHoe:** and no I am not a serial killer

**HorseHoe:** not a sociopath

**WhereverYouAramir:** he is however a cereal killer

**HorseHoe:** that was so bad holy shit

**HorseHoe:** this, people

**HorseHoe:** this is why I’m with him <3

**WhereverYouAramir:** ty ty I’m here all night

**WhereverYouAramir:** okay see you losers tomorrow

**FranklyMyDear:** never take SlowFast™ again

**FranklyMyDear:** ever

**KingOfNewYork:** just don’t even drink redbull ever again, that stuff is gross and really bad for you

**WhereverYouAramir:** okay dad

**KingOfNewYork:** where is this even coming from

**WhereverYouAramir:** you’re obviously the dad friend

**WhereverYouAramir:** perhaps a bit more chaotic than one should be but still the dad friend

**KingOfNewYork:** I don’t see it

**KingOfNewYork:** go home and get some sleep

**WhereverYouAramir:** case in point

**FranklyMyDear:** just go be gay

  
**WhereverYouAramir:** gladly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I miss the bolding on a username, could y'all tell me please? I edited this only just before I posted it, and I am SO tired right now. Stupid turkeys and their sleep drugs.
> 
> Happy Thanksgiving/Harvest Festival! See y'all tomorrow.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is, in my opinion, the funniest chapter I have ever written. You'll see why.
> 
> Aragorn: KingOfNewYork  
> Boromir: FranklyMyDear  
> Eomer: HorseHoe  
> Eowyn: CantCook (I just realized I forgot I changed her name last chapter but I'm too lazy to go through and switch em, so just assume it was changed back to CantCook)  
> Faramir: WhereverYouAramir  
> Merry: MerryChrysler  
> Pippin: TookYaLongEnough

**MerryChrysler:** PEREGRIN TOOK IM GONNA KICK YOUR ASS SO HARD YOUR VERTEBRAE FLY OUT OF YOUR MOUTH ONE BY ONE LIKE PEZ CANDY

**TookYaLongEnough:** what have I done this time

**MerryChrysler:** you ate my goddamn SNICKERS BAR YOU ASSHOLE

**TookYaLongEnough:** yo merry calm down

**TookYaLongEnough:** are you hungry or smth

**TookYaLongEnough:** you’re not you when you’re hungry

**MerryChrysler:** LISTEN HERE YOU HALF CHEWED PENCIL, YOU GET ME ANOTHER DAMN SNICKERS OR I WILL EAT YOUR LUNGS INSTEAD

**TookYaLongEnough:** sorry can’t

**TookYaLongEnough:** I’m hella broke

**FranklyMyDear:** the hell

**FranklyMyDear:** I mean mood but didn’t you just get your allowance yesterday

**TookYaLongEnough:** yeah but I spent it all

**FranklyMyDear:** on what

**TookYaLongEnough:** a stash of snickers bars

**MerryChrysler:** I literally hate you so much

**TookYaLongEnough:** merry you’re being mean :(

**TookYaLongEnough:** want a snickers?

**MerryChrysler:** yes I want a fucking snickers

**TookYaLongEnough:** me too man but they’re in my closet rn and we’re at school so

**MerryChrysler:** I’m going to strangle you with your own vocal cords

**KingOfNewYork** : okay you two that’s enough

**KingOfNewYork:** stop fighting

**MerryChrysler:** fuck you he ate my snickers

**TookYaLongEnough:** yeah fuck you I ate his snickers

**FranklyMyDear:** I will personally contact Gandalf, either via text or by actually finding him at school, and I will have him come back and mute you

**MerryChrysler:** so how about that weather huh

**TookYaLongEnough:** very cold I don’t like it

**WhereverYouAramir:** neither do I

**HorseHoe:** it’s not that cold

**HorseHoe:** Rohan gets colder than this in the fall

**WhereverYouAramir:** sir I’m from the far south and this is considered cold

**WhereverYouAramir:** very cold

**FranklyMyDear:** what he said

**FranklyMyDear:** very very cold

**FranklyMyDear:** this would be freezing in Gondor

**WhereverYouAramir:** ^^^

**HorseHoe:** aw bby

**HorseHoe:** I’ll give you my sweatshirt at lunch if you want?

**WhereverYouAramir:** pls

**HorseHoe:** okay

**CantCook:** damn I wish I had a girlfriend to give me her sweatshirt when I’m cold

**HorseHoe:** wyn you never get cold ever

**CantCook:** semantics

**CantCook:** it is the principle of the matter, mer

**FranklyMyDear:** **_@KingOfNewYork_ ** can I have your jacket

**KingOfNewYork:** I don’t have one on me but there’s probably one in my locker

**KingOfNewYork:** idk how you would need it when we’re inside and the school is heated but alright

**FranklyMyDear:** listen mr northman

**FranklyMyDear:** my southern complexion cannot handle the chilling blizzards Dale has

**FranklyMyDear:** it might not be as cold as rohan’s fall now but dale’s winters are the worst I’ve ever seen

**MerryChrysler:** I’ve heard it gets even worse the closer to Erebor you get

**MerryChrysler:** since it’s a mountain and all

**FranklyMyDear:** makes sense

**FranklyMyDear:** oh my god it’s nearly lunch time yessss

**FranklyMyDear:** you have no idea how long I’ve wanted a rise krispie treat

**WhereverYouAramir:** the hell

**WhereverYouAramir:** are you 12 or smth

**FranklyMyDear:** DONT JUDGE ME

**MerryChrysler:** I just want my fucking snickers

**TookYaLongEnough:** you’ll get it when school is out bitch

**MerryChrysler:** I am going to shave the back half of your head and glue the hair onto your face so you have a beard

**TookYaLongEnough:** you’d be doing me a favor since I can’t actually grow a beard haha

**HorseHoe:** bby meet me by my locker?

**HorseHoe:** we can go to lunch after I just gotta show you smth

**WhereverYouAramir:** sure

**WhereverYouAramir:** what’re you showing me

**HorseHoe:** a surprise <3

**CantCook:** eomer no one wants to see your dick

**CantCook:** don’t do that in the middle of the hallway

**HorseHoe:** EOWYN NO THATS NOT

**HorseHoe:** OH MY GOD WHAT RHE FUCK

**MerryChrysler:** JAHDBSJAN HAHAAHAHAH

**WhereverYouAramir:** to be fair it did sound kind of like an innuendo

**HorseHoe:** ;-; nvm just go to lunch

**WhereverYouAramir:** nooo what is it

**HorseHoe:** no it’s fine whatever just go to lunch I’ll meet you there

**WhereverYouAramir:** eomer I’m walking to your locker rn either you show me the damn surprise orrrrr

**WhereverYouAramir:** I don’t actually know what I’ll do but just show me the thing pls

**HorseHoe:** alright

**HorseHoe:** EOWYN STOP IT IS NOT MY DICK

**CantCook:** PFFFT WRONG CHAT BRO

**HorseHoe:** F U C K

**MerryChrysler:** IM CRYING THIS IS TOO FUNNY

**FranklyMyDear:** no one is showing anyone anyone’s dick

**FranklyMyDear:** ever

**WhereverYouAramir:** damn

**WhereverYouAramir:** that wouldn’t rlly be a surprise anyways tho

**TookYaLongEnough:** *eyes*

**MerryChrysler:** *eyes* *eyes*

**KingOfNewYork:** children I would prefer we didn’t talk about Eomer’s dick at lunch please

**FranklyMyDear:** no wait what the hell did you mean not a surprise Faramir

**FranklyMyDear:** -_-

**WhereverYouAramir:** anyways brb

**FranklyMyDear:** come back here and explain

**FranklyMyDear:** you are 15

**FranklyMyDear:** age of consent is 16 what the fuck are you doing

**WhereverYouAramir:** right so turns out I have a horrible and deadly disease and I need to go home right now and say goodbye to father so uh cya

**WhereverYouAramir:** terrible illness, really, can’t be cured *cough cough blood cough*

**MerryChrysler:** the illness is called gay

**CantCook:** nah it’s called lust

**CantCook:** for my brother no less

**CantCook:** I both do and don’t want to know what’s happening rn

**CantCook:** oh look guess who’s not at Eomer’s locker (both of them, they’re both gone)

**FranklyMyDear:** do not make me come find you

**WhereverYouAramir:** very busy rn call back later

**WhereverYouAramir:** see you after school

**HorseHoe:** 7 minutes in heaven is a thing

**FranklyMyDear:** I-

**KingOfNewYork:** leave it alone

**FranklyMyDear:** but he’s my baby brother and isn’t supposed to know about 7 minutes in heaven???

**KingOfNewYork:** idk how to explain this to you but… he’s in highschool

**KingOfNewYork:** you’re gonna have to let him grow up sometime, love

**MerryChrysler:** what Aragorn said

**MerryChrysler:** didn’t we have this conversation when you found out they were dating? You gotta let him do his thing

**FranklyMyDear:** I hate all of you

**KingOfNewYork:** no you don’t, you just hate that we’re right

**FranklyMyDear:** fuck you

**KingOfNewYork:** okay

**KingOfNewYork:** when

**FranklyMyDear:** AJDBDBAN NOT WHAT I MEANT

**KingOfNewYork:** mhm

**MerryChrysler:** get it boromir

**MerryChrysler:** let off some steam man

**TookYaLongEnough:** everyone feels better after getting laid

**FranklyMyDear:** now I really hate all of you

**WhereverYouAramir:** I have literally never seen something so small I’m dying

**CantCook:** ah so he DID show you his dick

**HorseHoe:** I am once again asking you to stfu

**HorseHoe:** I did not

**WhereverYouAramir:** he didn’t

**WhereverYouAramir:** he did however show me the smallest lil kitten ever

**FranklyMyDear:** where the hell did eomer get a kitten and why is it at school

**HorseHoe:** I found it on the way to school today and then hid it in an empty closet we found that night at prom when we wandered around

**HorseHoe:** just spent 95% of the time we were in there arguing over a name for it

**WhereverYouAramir:** I’m not calling our daughter “pebble stone” don’t even

**HorseHoe:** well I’m not calling her “spindrift” what even is a spindrift

**WhereverYouAramir:** it’s snow that’s blown in swirls in the wind, her fur is swirly and white I don’t see the problem

**HorseHoe:** that sounds made up

**MerryChrysler:** aw their first fight

**WhereverYouAramir:** Do. Not.

**MerryChrysler:** alright then never mind

**WhereverYouAramir:** what about Glamor

**HorseHoe:** that, sir, is a stripper name

**HorseHoe:** what about Hyllehama

**HorseHoe:** it means cricket in rohirric

**WhereverYouAramir:** that’s actually really pretty wait

**WhereverYouAramir:** yeah okay I like that

**FranklyMyDear:** y’all really just adopted a cat

**FranklyMyDear:** i don’t even know what to say

**FranklyMyDear:** except you know you can’t bring that home right? Dad would freak

**WhereverYouAramir:** yeah

**WhereverYouAramir:** we already worked out custody dw

**KingOfNewYork:** you figured out custody but you didn’t name her first

**KingOfNewYork:** responsible parenting

**WhereverYouAramir:** leave my daughter alone

**HorseHoe:** she’ll stay with me, and Faramir can come over to see her whenever

**HorseHoe:** under the guise of studying and partner projects of course

**WhereverYouAramir:** yes

**FranklyMyDear:** I mean that’s fine

**FranklyMyDear:** as long as you’re not fucking

**WhereverYouAramir:** how much does it cost to hire an assassin I need to know for reasons

**KingOfNewYork:** babe I thought we were leaving that alone

**FranklyMyDear:** I agreed to nothing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We are now at the end of what I had pre-written for this work. This means there will likely not be another chapter for at least a few days, if not more. So sorry!
> 
> I will return, eventually. Goodbye, ladles and gentlespoons. Happy holidays!


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IM BACK BITCHES
> 
> I have been able to write a total of 3 fucking chapters while I was gone. Phenomenal numbers, I know. Winter quarantine has just been rough and school is very bad. Anyways, happy Valentine's, this chapter is set at Halloween because I said so.
> 
> I'm... too tired to put in every username so y'all just gotta rely on context and the previous chapter's list to figure out who people are if you've forgotten.
> 
> oh and there's a small guest appearance from two characters I like very much

**KingOfNewYork:** happy halloweeeeen

**FranklyMyDear:** happy Halloween <3

**FranklyMyDear:** can you believe it’s been a year already wow

**KingOfNewYork:** feels like an eternity with you, love

**FranklyMyDear:** sjdbdb you’re a sap

**KingOfNewYork:** guilty as charged

**WhereverYouAramir:** that was gross

**WhereverYouAramir:** you’re both gross

**HorseHoe:** I second that, you’re gross

**MerryChrysler:** idk I thought it was cute

**WhereverYouAramir:** no

**WhereverYouAramir:** just gay

**WhereverYouAramir:** fact; it is illegal for gay people to be cute that’s just how it is

**HorseHoe:** well damn babe I guess you’re breaking the law

**WhereverYouAramir:** sksbsjwj

**WhereverYouAramir:** YOU SMOOTH FUCKER

**HorseHoe:** Idk sometimes I like it rough

**CantCook:** HAH HOLY SHIT

**WhereverYouAramir:** oh my god I’m crying

**FranklyMyDear:** and I’m the gross one??

**FranklyMyDear:** that was funny tho I approve

**FranklyMyDear:** even though it was a suspicious sex joke directed at my brother

**HorseHoe:** I mean I have never had s** in my life I don’t even know what that is #abstinence #savingmyself #marriage

**WhereverYouAramir:** don’t tell me we have to get married to do anything

**MerryChrysler:** no pre-marital hand holding

**HorseHoe:** #thegoodlord #johnmulaney #keanureeves #jeffgoldblum #marriageisgood #nosexbeforemarriage

**WhereverYouAramir:** fuck

**WhereverYouAramir:** literally

**FranklyMyDear:** I will find a shotgun don’t think I won’t

**KingOfNewYork:** remember to be safe kids

**KingOfNewYork:** STDs are a real thing and they’re bad for you

**KingOfNewYork:** anyways moving on from that topic

**FranklyMyDear:** ...yes?

**KingOfNewYork:** oh I don’t have anything to talk about I just don’t want to be talking about THAT

**FranklyMyDear:** fair enough

**MerryChrysler:** I have the STRONGEST craving for biscuits

**MerryChrysler:** like debilitating craving I need some so bad

**TookYaLongEnough:** I don’t have a car but if I did I’d take you to KFC

**TookYaLongEnough:** now I want biscuits

**TookYaLongEnough:** and fried chicken

**FranklyMyDear:** the day just started and you’re already hungry?

**TookYaLongEnough:** yes

**TookYaLongEnough:** we Shire-folk have big stomachs and also I didn’t have first breakfast

**KingOfNewYork:** FIRST breakfast???? The fuck

**TookYaLongEnough:** yeah first breakfast it happens before second breakfast

**MerryChrysler:** I don’t think he knows about first or second breakfast pip

**TookYaLongEnough:** I thought everyone knew about this wtf

**TookYaLongEnough:** what about elevenses? Luncheon? Afternoon tea? Dinner? Supper? Y’all know about that right

**KingOfNewYork:** I suddenly regret asking

**FranklyMyDear:** that is a lot of food

**TookYaLongEnough:** Boromir take us to KFC pls

**FranklyMyDear:** why should I

**TookYaLongEnough:** we’ll pay for gas

**FranklyMyDear:** no

**MerryChrysler:** I’ll buy you fried chicken

**FranklyMyDear:** deal meet me outside in 10 minutes

**KingOfNewYork:** so you’re really just skipping class for fried chicken huh?

**KingOfNewYork:** and you didn’t even invite me

**KingOfNewYork:** the betrayal

**FranklyMyDear:** I’ll split my food with you <3

**KingOfNewYork:** mk

**WhereverYouAramir:** okay but you’re still skipping school Boromir

**WhereverYouAramir:** dad is gonna kill me

**FranklyMyDear:** he won’t know dw

**FranklyMyDear:** I’ve got it figured out, if I don’t pay for gas he can’t know I was even driving during school, and I can just ask to go to the nurse and say I was stuck there the entire time dw dw

**HorseHoe:** yeah one problem

**HorseHoe:** you’re coming back with fried chicken they’ll know you left

**FranklyMyDear:** what do you think lockers are for

**HorseHoe:** YO WHY HAVENT I THOUGHT OF THAT

**HorseHoe:** FRIED CHICKEN LOCKER EOWYN

**CantCook:** people are gonna be so confused about why the hallway smells like fried chicken and it’ll be because Eomer has 20 buckets of it in his locker

**FranklyMyDear:** AHSHDBAH WHAT THE FUCK

**TookYaLongEnough:** AHAHAHAHAH

**MerryChrysler:** damn that was good

**FranklyMyDear:** Someone remove these two assholes from my presence please and thank you.

**KingOfNewYork:** what have they done?

**FranklyMyDear:** they threw a rubber spider at me

**FranklyMyDear:** there is fake cobweb all over my car

**FranklyMyDear:** I mean ALL OVER IT

**MerryChrysler:** well not all over it

**MerryChrysler:** we didn’t get the inside because neither of us trusted the other not to close and lock the car while one of us was in there

**FranklyMyDear:** you have my keys????

**TookYaLongEnough:** too much info merry time to leave

**MerryChrysler:** this is just the beginning!!!!!

**MerryChrysler:** you have not seen the last of... of us idk I didn’t have a cool name to call us

**WhereverYouAramir:** well I suppose that instead of skipping class for food, you’ve skipped class to fix your car

**FranklyMyDear:** there are cobwebs ON THE ENGINE

**FranklyMyDear:** THIS IS A FIRE HAZARD

**CantCook:** need some help?

**FranklyMyDear:** please

**FranklyMyDear:** silver Range Rover sport, third row of the parking lot

**FranklyMyDear:** if I’m not there assume I’m murdering the culprits of this crime

**CantCook:** will do

**MerryChrysler:** happy Halloween?

**KingOfNewYork:** on that note, everyone should be wary of Merry and Pippin today

**KingOfNewYork:** do not be surprised if you find a toy bat somewhere on or near your person, or a rubber spider thrown into your face 

**TookYaLongEnough:** be especially careful of the silly string

**MerryChrysler:** goddamn it you ruined the surprise

**TookYaLongEnough:** but is it ruined if they don’t know what we’re doing with it and when?

**MerryChrysler:** ...okay, you’ve got me on that one

**MarijuanaBoy:** don’t you goddamn motherfucking dare spray me with silly string

**MarijuanaBoy:** I will not be spending half an hour trying to get it out of my hair

**TookYaLongEnough:** literally how did you know

**MarijuanaBoy:** because you’ve done it before

**MarijuanaBoy:** and then I used water guns with dye in them to dye your backpack bright green

**MarijuanaBoy:** remember?

**TookYaLongEnough:** oh yeeeaaahhh

**FranklyMyDear:** yo there’s a fight in the main hall

**FranklyMyDear:** that kid Talon or whatever the fuck his name is

**FranklyMyDear:** he’s kicking the shit out of some big dude oh my god

**TookYaLongEnough:** main hall?

**TookYaLongEnough:** damn I gotta see this

**MarijuanaBoy:** Boromir is there another guy in the fight or in the crowd

**MarijuanaBoy:** kinda lanky, long black hair, really blue eyes, super pale

**MarijuanaBoy:** he’ll be either watching the fight or participating

**FranklyMyDear:** yeah I see him

**FranklyMyDear:** why?

**MarijuanaBoy:** just asking, I’ve been meaning to talk to him for forever

**MarijuanaBoy:** be there in a mo

**KingOfNewYork:** are all of you leaving class just to see this

**WhereverYouAramir:** I’m not because I actually care about my schooling unlike someone I know (cough cough Boromir, mr future gas station attendant)

**FranklyMyDear:** okay fuck you

**WhereverYouAramir:** high school has-been waiting to happen

**FranklyMyDear:** you’re mean

**FranklyMyDear:** oh my god talon just broke the guy’s nose

**MarijuanaBoy:** Talion not talon tf

**FranklyMyDear:** whatever whatever idc he’s badass and really hot and currently hauling big guy around like the dude weighs nothing even though he’s literally huge

**KingOfNewYork:** this Talion person is stealing my boyfriend

**FranklyMyDear:** babe if you saw him

**FranklyMyDear:** he’s not nearly as hot as you but wow

**MerryChrysler:** that has got to hurt

**TookYaLongEnough:** I think he just broke that guy’s face

**TookYaLongEnough:** like the entire right side of his face, there is so much bruising already and he only just hit him

**MarijuanaBoy:** is celebrimbor stepping in yet or is he being his weird sadist self

**FranklyMyDear:** def watching with glee

**FranklyMyDear:** shit teachers are here gotta dash

**TookYaLongEnough:** nyoooom

**MerryChrysler:** do either of them have phones I wanna add them they sound fun

**MarijuanaBoy:** they are not fun

**MarijuanaBoy:** they are scary and the third most popular people in school (Aragorn and Boromir being first popular obviously, and then myself in second)

**FranklyMyDear:** okay but are they tied for third or smth

**MarijuanaBoy:** they’re together so often that everyone just kinda thinks of them as one person basically

**MarijuanaBoy:** plus their friend group is basically a gang without formally being a gang

**FranklyMyDear:** gay?

**MarijuanaBoy:** 95%

**FranklyMyDear:** you don’t have to worry about jealousy then Aragorn he’s taken

**KingOfNewYork:** mm idk

**MerryChrysler:** DO THEY HAVE NUMBERS OR NOT LEGGY GIVE ME THE DIGITS

**MarijuanaBoy:** fucking hell hold on 

**_MarijuanaBoy added Talion Brighte and Celebrimbor Smith to the chat_ **

**MarijuanaBoy:** I am so sorry about this

**Celebrimbor Smith:** The fuck do you want, Greenleaf?

**MarijuanaBoy:** This isn’t my fault :/

**MarijuanaBoy:** they were being obnoxious and I decided to spare all of us a lot of pain by just adding you two

**MarijuanaBoy:** y’all can leave if you want

**_MerryChrysler changed Celebrimbor Smith’s name to Celery_ **

**Celery:** ....

**Talion Brighte:** FFFNABSBSBA CELERY

**_Celery changed Talion Brighte’s name to Morgul_ **

**Morgul:** that was uncalled for

**Celery:** Mhm.

**MerryChrysler:** sooooo that fight a second ago what was that about and how the fuck were you able to do that

**Morgul:** do what, he wasn’t that strong

**Morgul:** just big and arrogant

**Morgul:** fuckin Bruce thinks he owns the place, tried to undermine my authority

**MerryChrysler:** oooh

**Celery:** They’ll be calling him Bruise to mock him, now. I’ll make sure of it.

**Celery:** And no one will ever dare stab us in the back again.

**FranklyMyDear:** well that’s scary

**Celery:** Thank you, that was the intended effect.

**Celery:** Well, I cannot say it was lovely to meet you all, but I did enjoy this little chat.

**Morgul:** what he said

**Morgul:** peace

**_Celery and Morgul left the chat_ **

**MarijuanaBoy:** and y’all see now why I didn’t want to do that

**MarijuanaBoy:** they’re fuckin crazy

**KingOfNewYork:** They’re certainly interesting, I’ll give you that

**MerryChrysler:** I’m underwhelmed

**MerryChrysler:** 4/10 was expecting something more

**TookYaLongEnough:** yeeeaaa they were kinda meh weren’t they

**HorseHoe:** could’ve been gayer

**MerryChrysler:** this guy gets it

**MerryChrysler:** FARAMIR I APPROVE OF YOUR BOYFRIEND

**WhereverYouAramir:** Thank you, so do I

**HorseHoe:** aw bby

**WhereverYouAramir:** solid 8/10 rating

**HorseHoe:** what

**TookYaLongEnough:** oof

**HorseHoe:** why only 8/10

**WhereverYouAramir:** idk I just feel like you could be gayer

**WhereverYouAramir:** and I haven’t gotten a hug from you at all today so you’re lucky it isn’t 7/10

**WhereverYouAramir:** 7.5/10

**HorseHoe:** skipping class now for a whole other reason

**WhereverYouAramir:** don’t you fucking dare

**HorseHoe:** you’re in English right

**FranklyMyDear:** is he actually skipping class to go hug my brother tf

**FranklyMyDear:** wholesome yet disgusting

**KingOfNewYork:** You skipped class because Merry and Pippin promised you fried chicken

**FranklyMyDear:** WHICH THEY NEVER GOT ME AND INSTEAD FUCKED UP MY CAR

**FranklyMyDear:** I’m skipping class rn hold on

**MerryChrysler:** are we all skipping

**TookYaLongEnough:** ye

**MarijuanaBoy:** I’m getting high out back so yes

**Mufasa:** No

**WhereverYouAramir:** Absolutely not.

**WhereverYouAramir:** Eomer if you burst into my class and disrupt this lecture just to give me a hug I will throw you out the window

**WhereverYouAramir:** second story window

**HorseHoe:** love you too

**HorseHoe:** but in your foolish threatening you have disclosed upon me a hint to your whereabouts, I am zoning in on your location now

**WhereverYouAramir:** babe you’re not a helicopter

**HorseHoe:** *helicopter noises*

**FranklyMyDear:** fuck I stg if blondie beats me

**FranklyMyDear:** ARAGORN BABY WHAT CLASS ARE YOU IN

**KingOfNewYork:** I will never fucking tell you if this is the result, don’t you dare

**FranklyMyDear:** pls love

**FranklyMyDear:** pls

**FranklyMyDear:** you won’t even notice I’m there I’ll pop in and say a quick hi then leave

**KingOfNewYork:** Mrs Galadriel is going to murder you

**FranklyMyDear:** THEATRE THANK YOU

**KingOfNewYork:** damn it

**MerryChrysler:** oh you’ve messed up now

**WhereverYouAramir:** My teacher is going to freak out

**WhereverYouAramir:** I’m going to freak out

**WhereverYouAramir:** If you get me in trouble, Eomer Eadig, I will not hesitate to destroy you.

**HorseHoe:** on second thought perhaps I’ll just wait outside for class to end

**WhereverYouAramir:** That is acceptable, yes.

**FranklyMyDear:** hah I win by default

**HorseHoe:** since when were we competing

**FranklyMyDear:** since I learned you exist

**FranklyMyDear:** bitch

**HorseHoe:** stfu and go disrupt the theatre nerds

**KingOfNewYork:** Do not.

**FranklyMyDear:** oh I think I will

**_KingOfNewYork removed FranklyMyDear from the chat_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter could quite possibly be up tomorrow, depending on whether I actually get out of bed or not. So sorry about disappearing for 3 months. Hope everyone is staying safe!

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, welcome to my disaster. Next chapter will likely be up a few minutes after this one.
> 
> Leave a comment, whether it's to tell me this is horrible (thanks, I love it too), or to tell me which username you thought was funniest.


End file.
